


Nothin' But A Drifter

by saddle_tramp



Series: SPN/Glee Xover of Doom [4]
Category: Real Person Fiction, Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-16
Updated: 2011-05-16
Packaged: 2017-10-19 11:59:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/200613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saddle_tramp/pseuds/saddle_tramp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean walked into the little bar, he just wanted some food and to buy a bottle so he could drink himself to sleep. He didn’t expect Christian to walk in later and turn his carefully reconstructed life upside down again.</p><p>Title from the song <i>‘Let Me Go’</i>, by Christian Kane.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothin' But A Drifter

**Author's Note:**

> The book Dean is reading is one of my own personal favorites that I think the Dean in this ‘verse would love, _Drawing Blood_ by Poppy Z Brite. I highly recommend it!

 

Dean walked into the bar around ten and headed for a booth in the back near the bathrooms, surprised to see that the place only had about a dozen people in it. The parking lot by the bar was so full that Dean had been forced to park on the street out front so he had expected it to be crowded

It was late on a Sunday and getting too cold outside for man or beast even though it was just the second week of December. Dean was tired and hungry enough that he had been willing to risk the crowd for a meal and something to drink, so he was glad he wouldn’t have trouble finding a table where he could eat in peace and then buy a bottle to take back to the motel down the road and get drunk enough he could sleep. He’d had a very long day that started before the sun rose well over a thousand miles ago, and he was right on the ragged edge of exhaustion even though he was wide awake, too wired on truck stop coffee to ever sleep without a little help.

A pretty red-headed waitress walked quickly over to him as soon as he sat down, cheerful and friendly as she said, “Evenin’ sugar, how are you doin’ tonight?” She appeared to be in her late thirties, and looked pretty good in her short, old-fashioned waitress dress that showed off a nice rack and long legs.

Dean smiled warmly at her, enjoying the familiar sound of her accent as he said, “Hey darlin’. I’m doing alright. The guy at the motel said you folks serve the best food in town, and I’m a starvin’ man so I made a beeline for your door.”

The waitress laughed and pulled a laminated card off of her tray to offer it to him. “We sure do, honey. Best burgers in town, among other things.”

Dean grinned. “Then I don’t need a menu. I’ll take two cheeseburgers with everything, extra cheese and hold the mustard.”

“You want bacon and mushrooms?” the waitress asked, jotting down something on a pad of paper she took off the tray.

“Bacon sounds awesome,” Dean agreed, pleased. “No mushrooms for me tonight, though.”

“What kinda cheese, honey? We got cheddar, provolone, pepperjack, mozzarella, or regular old American.”

“American,” Dean said with a grin. “I’m just a country boy, nothin’ fancy for me.”

“Cooked onions or raw?”

“Yes please,” Dean agreed, pleased.

The waitress grinned at that, her blue eyes sparkling with amusement. “And to drink?”

“You got Pabst Blue Ribbon?” Dean asked, hopeful. Northern Oklahoma wasn’t far enough north for it to be common, but he had found it further south a few times so he had a little hope. If PBR wasn’t an option he could always go with a Corona with lime, but he’d really prefer the Pabst. He had gotten hooked on it young because it was Bobby’s favorite beer, and the more common draft beers just couldn’t compare as far as he was concerned.

“Sure do,” the waitress agreed, giving him another warm smile. “We keep it on tap. It’ll be a few minutes for the burgers, but I’ll be right back with your beer.”

“Make it a pitcher, darlin’,” Dean said, grinning. “I’m dry as a popcorn fart.”

The waitress laughed. “You got it, honey.”

Dean watched her walk away for a moment, still grinning as he idly wondered what she was doing later. She didn’t have a wedding ring on – checking for a ring had become second nature the last couple of months – and she was sweet and cheerful enough to make up for the fact she was at least ten years older than he was. He hadn’t gotten laid in most of two weeks, and it was cold enough that a little willing company would be welcome. Getting laid might even leave him able to sleep without downing a bottle of Jack like he had gotten into the habit of doing most nights, which couldn’t be anything but a plus. Bobby was starting to worry about his drinking, and Dean knew he had good reason to even though Dean had never been a mean drunk like John was. Being any kind of drunk wasn’t something Dean had ever planned to do, but life had a way of kicking him in the teeth and flinging him down roads he never wanted to take.

Dean finally looked away from the waitress just before she disappeared into the kitchen, reaching into the inside pocket of his leather jacket to tug out a paperback he had stuck in there to pass the time with until his meal was ready. Within a few moments he was back in Missing Mile with Trevor and Zach, reading their first meeting again for probably the fifteenth time since he had bought the book on a whim six months earlier, trying to find something, _anything_ to think about that wasn’t Christian. It had worked, at least for a little while, and he had reread the book quite a few times since then, enjoying the way Trevor and Zach’s story could draw him in and let him forget his own pain for a few hours at a time. He had tried reading another book he found by the same author, but it was about vampires and he just couldn’t make himself care about them the way he got sucked in to Trevor and Zach’s story.

The waitress brought his beer a few minutes later, giving him a sweet smile as she said, “Here you go, honey. Your dinner’ll be along in a few minutes.”

Dean smiled up at her. “Thanks, darlin’.”

The waitress smiled happily and patted his shoulder, then hurried off towards another table where a group of college kids had just sat down.

Dean gave the kids a quick visual once-over out of habit and then went back to reading, sipping at his beer as he relaxed back into the booth. He was soon smiling slightly as he read the part where Trevor and Zach walked out into the rain, half stoned as they enjoyed Mother Nature’s version of a shower. He could almost see them in his head, Trevor with his long blond hair, ice blue eyes and lithe muscular body, and pale geeky Zach with his glasses and green eyes and an uncanny resemblance to Edward Scissorhands. The mental image of them stoned and naked in the rain always amused him, despite the fact there was a strong undercurrent of pain throughout the story.

Most normal people would have been a little freaked out if they knew that Dean’s very favorite book was a horror story featuring two boys who fell in love even though Trevor nearly killed Zach during the course of the story and hurt him several times, but for Dean it was as familiar as family. He had lived under the shadow of a father he both loved and hated, just like Trevor, and he knew what it felt like to be forced to hurt the person you loved the most, so he sympathized with Trevor a lot more than he probably should. Birdland wasn’t a figment of Trevor’s imagination to Dean, who had seen a lot of things since his dad let him start hunting with him, and he knew how spirits could twist you up inside to the breaking point.

Dean had just reached the part where Trevor caught Zach nosing through his things when a soft familiar voice murmured, “Never expected to see you here.”

Dean closed his eyes for an instant, swallowing hard as his smile vanished. He hadn’t seen Christian in six months, hadn’t even spoken to him, but he still heard that voice in his dreams every night. He forced himself to look up, meeting Christian’s gaze as he murmured softly, “I could say the same.”

Christian’s expression was unreadable, even to Dean who knew him so well, but Steve was right behind him giving Dean a glare that it didn’t take a genius to decipher. Steve obviously hadn’t forgiven Dean for walking out on Christian without giving him a choice about whether to go with him or not, even though Steve knew as well as Dean did that there would have been no choice involved. Christian would have followed Dean to the ends of the earth if Dean let him, or tried to anyway.

“Where you headed?” Christian asked after a minute, moving to one side to let the waitress put Dean’s dinner on the table. He was dressed like he usually did in cold weather, wearing half a dozen layers with fingerless gloves and a thick knit cap he had pulled down over his ears, and Dean was sure that there was a pair of long johns under Christian’s jeans. Cold weather always made Christian miserable, which was one of the main reasons he lived in LA even though he would have rather been near his family in Oklahoma. Oklahoma got way too much snow in the winter to suit Christian, so he avoided it except during the holidays.

Dean gave the waitress a slightly forced smile instead of answering Christian, murmuring, “Thanks, darlin’.”

The waitress smiled. “You’re welcome, honey.” She looked at Christian and Steve, asking, “You want anything while you wait for your dinner, Chris, Stevie?”

Steve smiled at the waitress, looking right at home in his fringed leather coat and Christmas sweater with jeans and his old cowboy boots. “I’ll take a Corona with lime, Ginger, thanks.” He glanced at Christian, who was still watching Dean, and then looked back at Ginger, adding, “Chris’ll have the same.”

“And a shot,” Christian added, finally looking away from Dean to give the waitress a faked smile that didn’t get near his blue eyes. “Tequila.”

“You got it, boys,” Ginger said with a smile, heading for the bar.

Steve looked at Christian then, murmuring softly, “If you’re doing this, babe, let’s at least sit down.”

Dean looked down at his book as Christian and Steve moved to sit across from him in the booth, working hard at not letting them see how surprised he was as he folded down the corner of the page and then tucked the book back into his jacket. The last time he saw them, Steve was still very much straight and had a girl he was talking about marrying, but when Dean looked across the table at them again he was suddenly sure that wasn’t the case any more. Steve had always been close enough to Christian to drape an arm around him when he felt like it, kind of like he did as soon as they sat down in the booth, but Steve wasn’t the kind of guy who casually called another guy ‘babe’.

“You didn’t answer me,” Christian said suddenly, and Dean made himself meet Christian’s gaze. Christian’s blue eyes were intent and pained as he stared at Dean, and it hurt Dean to see how hungry Christian was for the sight of him, even though part of him was glad to see it. Dean was sure he’d love Christian until the day he died, so it was reassuring to know Christian still cared, no matter how badly Dean had hurt him.

Dean thought back over what they had said and then shrugged one shoulder, reaching to pour himself another mug of beer as he looked at his glass as if it were the most fascinating thing in the room. “Bobby’s. Dad up an’ disappeared on me a few days ago, and Bobby doesn’t like me huntin’ alone anymore. I was headin’ for Florida ‘cause I found a news story about something I think Dad might have gone after, but Bobby called me last night and said that if I didn’t get my ass back to his place he’d hunt me down an' kick my ass. Figure I’ll be there by dark tomorrow, earlier if I don’t run into too much snow.”

“You and your Dad still gettin’ along?” Christian asked softly.

When Dean moved in with Christian, John had stopped talking to Dean _or_ Bobby for over six months. They had just about decided he got himself killed when Dean walked outside one morning to feed horses while Christian made breakfast and found John leaning against his truck in the yard, waiting patiently and looking like a different man than he had the last time Dean saw him. It had taken months of random visits and phone calls before Christian was willing to trust John really was clean and sober, and even longer for Christian to okay John being around Dean while he wasn’t watching them, but John had never argued about it. Dean still wasn’t sure if it was because John had finally realized how he had hurt Dean or if John was just afraid of Christian and Bobby hunting him down, but whatever caused it, Dean had been glad to get back the dad he had loved before John started drinking like a fish. He hadn’t seen his dad drunk in nearly two years now, and he was grateful for it every day.

“Yeah,” Dean replied, nodding. “Or we were until I woke up the other day an’ he was gone. Asshole isn’t answering his phone, but I figure he’ll call when he gets whatever it is he’s after. He always does, just sometimes it takes longer than others.” He paused and then added, “He’s still sober, or mostly so. Drinks a hell of a lot less than I do, these days.”

“How’s Sam?” Christian asked softly, and when Dean looked at him again he saw that Christian was still watching him, though the hunger in his eyes had turned to concern.

“In school,” Dean said with a little bit of a shrug.

“Still not talking to you?” Christian asked, his blue eyes going gentle and sad.

“I’m not gonna try to make him,” Dean said quietly, looking down at his burger because he couldn’t make himself meet Christian’s gaze. He wasn’t really hungry anymore, but he picked the sandwich up anyway as he added, “He still calls Bobby a couple times a month, so I know he’s doing okay. He’s got a girl that Bobby says he can’t stop talkin’ about, and he’s well on his way to being a lawyer.” He took a bite of the sandwich and began to chew mechanically, barely even noticing how delicious it was.

“I’m sorry,” Christian said quietly. “I know how you miss him.”

Dean chewed and swallowed, unable to look at Christian as he reached for his beer, murmuring, “He’s not the only one I’ve been missing, or even the one I miss the most.”

“Then why did you run out on him?” Steve asked suddenly, making Dean look at him in surprise. Steve didn’t really look angry anymore, but he was obviously confused. “You promised me you’d never hurt him, Dean, and then you got him drunk off his ass and _abandoned_ him. He damned near killed himself, you wrecked him so bad. Probably would have if you hadn’t taken the guns his grandpa left him.”

Dean looked down at the table, closing his eyes as he took a slow shaky breath and then whispered, “I didn’t want to leave, I _had_ to.”

“Then you should have let him go with you,” Steve said quietly. “You and I both know he’d walk through fire for you.”

Dean made himself look up, meeting Steve’s gaze. “I let him go with me once, Steve, an’ I damn near got him killed. He’s got you and Jensen and the band to take care of him in LA, and a family that depends on him. I _know_ it hurt him when I left, but he’s worked too hard to get where he is for me to let him fuck all of that up for me. I’m not worth it.”

“Did you ever think that maybe I don’t _want_ all that without you?” Christian asked softly, and when Dean looked at him he flinched at the pain in Christian’s blue eyes. “ _You_ were everything I wanted, Dean, not the money or the fame or any of that bullshit. I thought you knew that.”

Ginger stopped at their table suddenly, putting two Coronas and a plate of limes on the table and then following them with a shot of tequila as she said, “Sorry that took so long, boys. We’re getting busy now that the movies are lettin’ out.”

Dean glanced around, surprised to see the bar was filling up and he hadn’t even noticed. He looked back down to take a bite of his burger, eating even though he wasn’t hungry as he wondered how he could possibly explain to Christian why he had cut off all contact with him after he left. He had thought it was the right thing to do at the time, sure that with Steve’s help Christian would be able to go on without him as long as he was really gone, but hearing that Christian had been suicidal afterwards made him realize he might have been wrong. He hadn’t expected that at all. He had been sure that Christian was way too tough to ever miss _anyone_ badly enough he didn’t want to live without them.

“Don’t worry about it, Ginger darlin’,” Christian said, faking a smile for Ginger as he passed back the empty shot glass. “We’re in no hurry.”

“You’re the only ones, honey,” Ginger said with a laugh, putting the shot glass on her tray as she hurried off towards another table.

“He rented out the trailer to Jerry and moved into town,” Steve said suddenly after a long moment of silence, making Dean look up at him in surprise. Steve had moved to put his elbows on the table, leaning forward as he watched Dean with an unreadable expression. “He even gave the horses to one of his old buddies from the college rodeo circuit.”

Dean looked at Christian, shocked and upset as he asked softly, “You got rid of Cisco and Jesse?”

Jesse was Dean’s horse, a beautiful mustang mare they drove all the way to Texas to buy after Wyatt died suddenly from a rattlesnake bite on the muzzle. Christian and Dean had been in New York because Christian was in a movie that was filming there, and by the time Steve went out to feed the horses and found Wyatt it was too late to save him, leaving Cisco alone for the first time in his life. Christian and Dean had begun looking for a companion for Cisco that Dean could ride and enjoy, and when they found an ad on the internet for Jesse, they knew they had to go see her even though she was in Texas.

Jesse had been born wild but her dam had been caught when she was tiny, just like Cisco and Lady, and she had been hand-raised by a trainer Christian highly respected. She was a beautiful dun overo with a bald face and blue eyes, and she was gentle as a kitten even though she didn’t know much under saddle at the time because she had been in serious training only thirty days. She was sweet and friendly and loved everyone she met just like Cisco did, and they had bought her on the spot less than an hour after they met her.

“He’s just keepin’ them for me,” Christian said quietly, looking down at his hands as if adding lime to his Corona was the most important thing in the world just then. “I couldn’t stand bein’ there with them anymore. They were always glad to see me, but it never took ‘em long to start lookin’ towards the house, waitin’ for you to come out with a pocket full of carrots.” He paused and then added, “We just visited ‘em, on the way to see Mom and Dad for Thanksgiving. They’re on a ranch down in Atoka, an’ two sweet little girls ride ‘em and spoil ‘em rotten every day, so they’re happy.”

Dean looked down, putting his sandwich back on his plate and then settling back in his booth, suddenly feeling sick. Christian had always loved the time he spent with his horses, and knowing that Christian was too wrecked to face even Cisco and Jesse was almost too much for Dean to bear. “I’m sorry,” he murmured after a moment, not looking at Christian. “I didn’t ever want to hurt you like that, or them.”

“I know that,” Christian said quietly, “but there was no way in hell you walkin’ out wasn’t gonna hurt, Dean.”

Dean closed his eyes, willing away the stinging in his eyes as he murmured, “If it helps any, it damn near killed me. Bobby got Dad to take away my guns and even my knives as soon as he woke up an' saw my face, an’ then Bobby wouldn’t let me out of his sight any longer than it took me to go to the bathroom or take a shower.” He paused and then admitted, “Even had me sleepin’ on a cot in his bedroom.”

“I know,” Christian agreed. “Bobby told me.”

Dean looked at Christian, surprise helping him get hold of himself and keep from falling apart. “You talked to Bobby?”

“Sam’s not the only one who calls him to check on you,” Christian said, nodding. “You not answerin’ my calls after you left made it pretty plain you didn’t want to talk to me, but at least he’d let me know you were safe and alive.”

Dean flinched. “You’re wrong. There hasn’t been a day since the first time I saw you that I didn’t want to talk to you.” He felt his face heating up as he looked down, adding more softly, “I was just afraid to.” He took a shaky breath. “I was sure you’d hate me for what I did to you.”

Christian reached across the table and grabbed Dean’s jaw roughly, forcing Dean to look at him. Christian’s calloused fingertips were cold against Dean’s skin, digging in hard as Christian growled, “I don’t _ever_ want to hear you say somethin’ like that again, Dean. Nothing you could _ever_ do would make me hate you. _Nothing_.”

Dean was a little surprised by Christian’s anger but not really worried by it as he whispered, “You should.” He was sure Christian would never really hurt him no matter how angry Dean made him, and if it turned out that he was wrong, then Dean figured he deserved it.

“It’s not gonna happen,” Christian said firmly, still looking annoyed even though his grip on Dean’s jaw relaxed. “It hurt more than anything I ever had to go through, an’ yeah, okay, I thought about givin’ up because livin’ without you was pure hell, but I _never_ stopped lovin’ you. My love for you is tougher than you give me credit for, Dean, an’ I can take anything you can dish out.”

Dean tried to smile as he gazed into Christian’s angry blue eyes, but he knew he was failing miserably as he murmured, “I still miss you.”

Christian’s anger drained away and he let out a sigh as he moved his hand to Dean’s cheek, his touch suddenly gentle as he murmured, “I miss you too, baby, every minute. That’s what you do when someone you love more than life is gone.”

Dean closed his eyes as he leaned into Christian’s touch even though the fingerless glove on Christian’s hand kept him from feeling Christian’s skin against his as much as he wanted to. He was trying hard to fight the sudden return of the burning in his eyes, but he knew it was a losing battle as he said, “I love you too, but that doesn’t change anything.”

“I know you can’t stay with me, Dean,” Christian agreed quietly. “I’m not gonna ask you for that ever again.”

“There’s _nothin’_ I want more,” Dean whispered, opening his eyes again to gaze into Christian’s pained blue eyes, trying to ignore the tears he could feel sliding down his cheeks. “I’ve _never_ been as happy as I was with you, but I can’t do it again. Dad damned near got Bobby and him _both_ killed the night I finally left you, an’ _did_ get Bill Harvelle killed just before that. If I walk out again and someone else dies, it’ll be my fault. I can’t let that happen.”

“I know, and I respect that, but I still want you to promise me something,” Christian said quietly, brushing away the tears on Dean’s cheek with his thumb.

“If I can,” Dean replied softly, still leaning into Christian’s touch slightly even though he knew he shouldn’t be, not in public.

“Call me when you can,” Christian said gently, “an’ when you’ve got a weekend free let me know so we can see each other.”

“I’ll call, I promise,” Dean agreed without hesitation, “but I don’t make it out to California much.”

“I can be anywhere in the country in six hours, babe,” Christian pointed out, giving Dean a slight smile as he stroked Dean’s cheek again with his thumb. “I’m gonna be makin’ good money now that I’m back on _Angel,_ better than I did the first two seasons, an’ LAX has flights headin’ east twenty-four hours a day. Joss won’t mind givin’ me a few days off when I need it. It’s not like I’m Dave, so they can just shoot stuff they don’t need me for on those days. We do it all out of order anyway, so it won’t really even mess up the schedule.”

Dean took a slow shaky breath and then nodded. “I can do that.”

“You got a room yet for tonight?” Steve asked suddenly, making Dean remember he was sitting there. Dean looked quickly towards Steve as Christian’s hand fell away from his face, expecting to see jealousy or even anger, but instead Steve looked perfectly calm as he held his Corona between his hands and watched them. “You two need some time together, and this _definitely_ isn’t the place for it. People around here know Chris, and his dad.”

“I’ve got a room at the motel down the road,” Dean admitted quietly, searching Steve’s eyes for some hint of how he was feeling. “The way you two were actin’ made me think you’re gonna want him sleepin’ with you, though.”

“I do, most nights,” Steve agreed quietly, obviously not the least bit ashamed of it. “Someone had to help him learn to live without you, and he wouldn’t let anyone but me close enough.”

“I didn’t _let_ you either,” Christian pointed out, looking at Steve with a slight, fond smile. “You didn’t exactly give me a choice.”

Steve smirked at Christian, reaching over to tug at Christian’s shaggy hair as he murmured, “You know you love me anyway, babe.” He looked back at Dean, adding, “We’ve been sleeping together since just after you left. We pick up girls sometimes like we used to, but mostly these days we just end up together when the night’s done.”

“I meant it when I promised never to touch _anyone_ but you again as long as I had you, Dean,” Christian added softly, and Dean looked over to meet Christian’s gaze. “But then you walked out, and that letter you left me made it real plain you were never comin’ back. When you wouldn’t answer my calls, I figured that must really be the way you wanted it.” He flushed, looking down as he added softly, ”And I don’t do well alone anymore. When Steve climbed into bed with me one night, I needed what he was offerin’ too bad to make him leave.”

“Understatement of the _year_ ,” Steve muttered with a snort, giving Christian a look Dean couldn’t quite make sense of. “You lost _thirty pounds_ in the first two weeks after he left and then _passed out_ in your fucking yard one day because you weren’t eating or drinking enough to keep a bird alive. If I had let you stay out there alone another week, I’d have pulled up one day to find you _dead_ in the yard.”

Dean closed his eyes in pain as he whispered, “Oh god.”

“Shut _up_ , Steve,” Christian said just a bit sharply. “Don’t you lay that on him. He was hurtin’ just as bad as I was. I _told_ you how hard Bobby had to fight to keep him alive.”

“Sorry,” Steve murmured, sounding like he truly was. “I know he was hurting too, but it was still hard as hell watching you pine away for him.”

“Thank you for taking care of him, Steve,” Dean said softly, looking at Steve again and trying to ignore the fresh tears he could feel sliding down his face.

“I had to,” Steve said simply. “I love him.”

“I know,” Dean said quietly. “I wasn’t sure you’d ever admit it to him, though.”

“Seeing him dying by inches made me realize I’d lose him if I didn’t take a chance and do something about it,” Steve admitted with a slight shrug, obviously trying to pass it off as unimportant even though his blue eyes were kind of haunted as he thought about it. “He needed something to distract him from the pain, at least for a few minutes at a time, and I was willing to try anything if it might help him. We were fooling around for a couple months before we actually had sex, but after the first time there was no doubt in my mind I wanted it to happen again, even if he did cry himself to sleep that night and a lot more afterwards because he was missing you so bad.”

“You promised never to tell anyone about that,” Christian said, shoving Steve’s shoulder. “Asshole.”

Steve looked at Christian, smiling slightly. “Dean doesn’t count. He already knows that tough guy act of yours is hiding a heart as soft as any girl’s.”

Christian blushed. “You still _promised_ , Stevie.”

“So sue me,” Steve said with a wider smile.

“Asshole,” Christian repeated, reaching for his beer to take a drink.

The waitress stopped at their table suddenly, and when Dean glanced up at her he saw she was looking pretty concerned as she put her free hand on his shoulder and asked quietly, “You okay, honey? Steve and Christian ain’t botherin’ you, are they? I know they can be a little much for some people, but they mean well.”

Dean gave her a crooked little smile, feeling his face heat up as he blushed in embarrassment, suddenly very conscious of the fact he had cried in a fairly crowded bar. “They’re friends of mine, darlin’, they wouldn’t bother me. I just got some really bad news, is all.”

Ginger rubbed his back gently, still looking concerned as she murmured, “Anything I can get you?”

“Do you think you could wrap my dinner to go, maybe?” Dean asked, feeling like his face was on fire. “I’m headin’ out in a few minutes, and these burgers are too good to leave behind just because I gotta go.”

“Ours too, please?” Steve added, smiling at Ginger. “We’re gonna go someplace quieter to talk. Dean’s been out of touch for months and we’ve got a lot to catch up on.”

“Of course, sweetie,” Ginger said quickly, smiling warmly at Dean and then at Steve as she reached for Dean’s plate. “I’ll have it all ready to go in a jiffy.”

“Thanks, darlin’,” Dean replied automatically, watching her go for a moment before he reached for his beer to drain the mug. He was about to pour a little more when he saw the pitcher was already empty, which made him wonder how he had managed to drink it all without noticing.

“That motel you found have any more empty rooms?” Steve asked suddenly, drawing Dean’s attention to him.

“It did when I left,” Dean said quietly, meeting Steve’s gaze. “But you can both stay with me, Stevie.” He paused and then added, “I got a double for the night ‘cause the room has a coffee maker. You an’ Chris can make do with a full, can’t you?”

“He won’t want to sleep with _me_ tonight, dumbass, not with you in the same town. And I’d rather be alone than watch you two fall apart like I _know_ you’re going to do sooner or later,” Steve said, looking wry. “I want to get some sleep, not spend half the night wishing I could beat some sense into you.”

Dean flinched, looking down. “I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t,” Christian said, sounding a little annoyed, and when Dean looked up he saw Christian was glaring at Steve. “He wouldn’t be the Dean I fell so damned hard for if he didn’t put the people he loved before himself, Steve, so don’t give him any shit about it. He’s doin’ what he has to do, an’ he doesn’t like it any more than I do. Probably even less. I’ve got you to keep me goin’, but he’s got nobody even though he _hates_ bein’ alone.”

“Yeah, but _you_ should be at the top of his list,” Steve argued, frowning at Christian. “There’s _no excuse_ for how he walked out on you.”

“I knew he’d survive losin’ me,” Dean said quietly, making Christian and Steve both look at him. He avoided Christian’s gaze, looking into Steve’s surprised blue eyes instead as he added, “Bobby damn near died before I got to him, an’ he and Dad both ended up in the hospital. Dad got out in a couple days, but Bobby was in for over a week, an’ then I had to take care of him for almost a month before he was walkin’ again. If I had gotten there a few hours later, I would have been buryin’ him.” He swallowed hard, thinking about that day and how terrified he was while he waited for a search and rescue chopper to get a medical team to the lonely stretch of desert where he had found Bobby and John. “Walkin’ out on Christian was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I _knew_ you’d be there to pick up the pieces, and at least he’s _safe_ in LA with you. If I had let him come with me, it would have been just a matter of time before _he_ was the one in the hospital hooked up to machines while the doctors gave him a twenty percent chance to live.”

Steve stared into Dean’s eyes for a moment and then his annoyance seemed to drain away as he said very softly, “I almost lost him because of you, Dean.”

“But you didn’t,” Dean replied just as quietly. “And I’m willin’ to bet he started eatin’ again when you told him how bad it was scarin’ you.” Steve’s eyes widened and Dean nodded, not needing any more of an answer as proof he was right. “You’re a hell of a lot more important to him than you realize, Stevie, an’ I knew he’d _never_ hurt you like that. He was still passed out when I left, an’ I was hopin’ you could get there to pick up the pieces before he even knew I was gone. That’s why Jensen woke you as soon as I was on the road an’ told you Chris needed you.”

“He _what_?!” Christian blurted, and when Dean looked at him in surprise he saw Christian was staring at Steve and looking angry. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?!”

“Because I found you on the floor by the empty gun cabinet crying like someone had just gutted Cisco right in front of you,” Steve said quietly, looking into Christian’s eyes. “After I read that letter he left you, I was so pissed at Dean for doing that to you that I wanted to kill him with my bare hands, and I forgot all about Jen telling me that you needed me to drop everything and get my ass out to the ranch. By the time you finally cried yourself to sleep again I wasn’t thinking too clearly, and I convinced myself Dean had probably told him to send me out there just so I’d have to see you hurting so bad.”

“I told Jensen to make you get out there so you’d keep Chris from doing anything stupid with all those knives in his kitchen,” Dean murmured, watching Steve and wishing he’d been able to scrape together the balls that morning to just call Steve himself. He knew that Steve and Jensen weren’t as close as they used to be, mostly because Jensen was still pissed at him about nearly ruining Jensen and Steve’s relationship. Steve was Jensen’s best friend, or had been, and Dean regretted that he had managed to fuck that up too. “And he isn’t the only one who was hurting that day, Steve. I damned near wrecked my baby a hundred times on my way to help Bobby an’ Dad ‘cause I was cryin’ so hard I couldn’t see much more than a blur.”

“I know,” Steve said quietly. “Bobby called Chris a few days later to tell him you were okay, and I listened in. He said he’d seen you cry more since he woke up that morning than in the rest of your life combined, and that you were a shadow of the man he knew.”

Dean flushed, looking down at the table. “I was pretty wrecked,” he admitted quietly, knowing that he was understating the case by a lot. He was still ashamed of the way he had spent most of the first month after he left Christian either on the edge of tears or too emotionally exhausted to care about anything at all except taking care of Bobby. Bobby had spent more time than he should have trying to help Dean, but John had been too disgusted by Dean being such a wreck to stick around for long at all once the doctors said Bobby would recover. “Bobby threatened to haul me back to Chris himself probably a hundred times the first few months, but I wouldn’t let him. He was pissed at me for a long time after that.” He looked back up, meeting Christian’s unhappy gaze as he added very softly, “I didn’t know it was talkin’ to you that was makin’ him so determined I should go home, but it makes a hell of a lot of sense, lookin’ back. I could pretty much count on him cornerin’ me a couple times a week to try to convince me to forget about him and go home.”

“I had to know you were okay,” Christian said quietly. “Bobby didn’t tell you I was callin’ because I asked him not to. You were havin’ such a rough time that I didn’t want to make it worse by talkin’ to you. I know how bad it hurt you to talk to Puck after you had to leave him.”

“I don’t know if I could have taken it then,” Dean said softly, looking down again. “I was drinkin’ more than Dad ever did.” He flushed, feeling ashamed. “Hell, I still do. Most nights I put away the better part of a bottle just so I can fall asleep.”

“That ain’t good for you, Dean,” Christian said quietly, reaching across the table for Dean’s hand to give it a squeeze. “Next time you can’t sleep, call me. Maybe talkin’ will help.”

Dean turned his hand over under Christian’s to squeeze back, lifting his gaze to Christian’s concerned blue eyes as he murmured, “I missed you every minute of the last six months.”

“I know you did, baby,” Christian said quietly, giving him a soft, sad smile. “Let’s see if maybe we can make the next six a little better for us both, okay?”

Dean just nodded, his throat so tight he couldn’t even speak. He wasn’t sure that seeing Christian or talking to him would really help, but he was pretty sure it couldn’t make it worse. He had thought he went through hell leaving Puck, but it hadn’t been nearly as painful as it was to walk away from Christian. Dean had considered dying every day for months, and after six months he was just starting to find a little joy in life again. The thought of being able to do what he had to do, saving people and hunting things, and still have Christian in his life gave him hope for the first time in a long time. Being able to look forward to seeing Christian again would be a powerful incentive to make it through the lonely, crummy stretches of life on the road.

Ginger was suddenly back at their table, carrying a tray that held three Styrofoam boxes along with two bottles of Corona and a bottle of Pabst. “I’m sorry it took so long, boys. Charlie’s swamped back in the kitchen and had to clear out some of what he was cookin’ before he could whip up dinner for you.” Dean let go of Christian’s hand and rubbed at his face, embarrassed as Ginger went on, grateful for the way she pretended not to see he had been crying again as she put the Styrofoam trays down one at a time. “Here’s your fried chicken and all the fixin’s, Stevie,” she said as she put a box with a blocky ‘S’ on top of it on the table, “and your bacon cheeseburger and fries, Chris.” She put the second box, one marked with a ‘C’, on top of the first one, and then put the third box on top of the pile as she smiled gently at Dean. “And your dinner, sweetie.” She put the three beers on the table too and then put her free hand on Dean’s shoulder as she looked at Christian and Steve, adding more quietly, “I think you three should probably go soon. Two women who just came in were at the show last night, and sooner or later they’ll notice you back here.”

Steve slid out of the booth without any hesitation, reaching for his wallet as he stood up. “How much do we owe you, Ginger?”

“Don’t worry about it, Stevie,” Ginger said, smiling softly. “It’s on us.”

“Y’all can’t afford to be doin’ that too often, Ginger darlin’,” Christian said, sliding over to the edge of the booth to stand up.

“We _don’t_ do it often,” Ginger said, still smiling. “You two already more than paid for your dinner. We made more last night than in the rest of this week combined because you promoted your gig at our place so well with your fans. We had folks here from as far away as North Carolina.”

Christian smiled. “We’ll come back real soon, if it helps that much.”

“His parents’ll love seeing him again,” Steve added, grinning at Ginger as he picked up the three boxes of food. “His momma might even send you flowers if it means he’s home for Christmas.”

Ginger laughed, pleased. “Just call and let me know when you want to play and we’ll be tickled pink to have you. A Christmas Eve show would be wonderful, everyone in town would show, I bet.” She looked down at Dean, smiling at him. “You take care, sweetie.”

Dean nodded, smiling slightly. “I will.”

Ginger patted his shoulder and then moved to kiss Christian and then Steve lightly on the cheek. “You boys stay out of trouble, or at least don’t get caught.” She didn’t wait for an answer before she hurried off towards another table where a guy was impatiently waiting for her to refill his beer.

Christian picked up the three beers, looking at Dean as he murmured, “C’mon, babe. Let’s get out of here.”

Dean slid out of the booth, reaching into his pocket for some cash and then tucking a twenty under his empty mug before he looked at Christian and Steve. “I’ll be right behind you.”

Steve looked amused as he headed for the nearby doorway that said ‘restrooms’ without a word, and Christian was smiling as he moved after Steve and said, “She’s gonna give you hell if she sees you again.”

“I can take it,” Dean said, following close behind Christian even though he wasn’t sure why they were going into the bar’s back hallway.

Steve led the way past the bathrooms to a door that said ‘employees only’ and then ducked into it, walking into the back corner of a small, extremely hot kitchen. The guy doing all the cooking was obviously at least part Native American and looked to be about sixty with a definite resemblance to Christian, built stocky and kind of short with that same strong jaw Christian had and a long braid of dark hair hanging down his back. The man – Dean figured he must be the Charlie that Ginger had mentioned – was wearing jeans and a tank top and humming happily to himself as he worked, dropping two floured steaks into a deep fryer before he turned to look towards them and Dean saw he had Christian’s eyes, too.

“Christian, good!” the guy said cheerfully as Dean closed the door. “I hoped you’d go out this way. Tell your momma that we’re planning to be there for Christmas dinner.”

“I will, Uncle Charlie,” Christian agreed, smiling. “Y’all still open for breakfast during the week?”

Dean blinked, surprised to realize that Charlie was actually the _Uncle_ Charlie that Christian had mentioned so many times, his mother’s beloved older brother who was almost like a second dad to Christian. Christian’s parents lived in Tulsa now, but he had been raised in Norman and still often visited his grandfather’s ranch there, so Dean had kind of thought Uncle Charlie probably lived near there too, not way up in a tiny town off I-35 about five miles from the Kansas line. Dean had driven past the Braman exit probably a hundred times while he was traveling I-35, but he had never actually pulled off to see what was there until that night. He had only stopped that time because the radio said it was snowing in Wellington, Kansas, which he knew was about fifty miles further north. He didn’t want to have to put his snow chains on in the dark, so he had decided to stop to eat and get some sleep, and then in the morning he could put the chains on and head north again.

“Six to one and then four 'till midnight,” Charlie agreed, nodding as he flipped a burger and then looked towards Christian again. “Should we expect you?”

“Yeah, we’re stayin’ just down the road,” Christian said, nodding. “Me an’ Stevie were gonna drive back to LA tonight, but on the way through town I spotted Dean’s car and we changed our minds. He’s a friend of mine an’ I haven’t seen him in way too long, so we’re gonna catch up a little.”

“Friend of _ours_ ,” Steve corrected, amused as he moved towards a nearby door. “See you in the morning, Uncle Charlie.”

Charlie laughed. “G’night, Steve.” He watched Steve leave and then looked at Dean, and Dean got the feeling that Charlie’s pale blue eyes didn’t miss a thing as he blushed slightly under the man’s intense gaze. He was sure that in the bright lights of the kitchen it was obvious he’d been crying, which was embarrassing and kind of made him wish he could just disappear. Charlie suddenly looked at Christian after a minute, giving Christian the same searching look before he asked much more quietly, “Is this _the_ Dean?”

“Yeah, Uncle, he is,” Christian replied, not hesitating at all, and Dean realized suddenly that Christian had told his favorite uncle about them.

Christian’s mother knew, but that was only because she had flown to LA to surprise Christian on his birthday the year before and used her key to get into Christian’s house about an hour before daylight. She had snuck in and walked through the open door to Christian’s bedroom, and then sat in a chair and watched Christian and Dean sleep until they woke up on their own just before dawn. They had no idea they weren’t alone, so they had started their morning the same as they usually did with a slow make-out session that would have been followed by making love and then a shared shower.

Christian had just reached for the lube when his mom, Amy, finally spoke up, and the sound of her voice had made him squawk and jump away from Dean so fast he fell off the far side of the bed. Amy had laughed so hard she _cried_ while Dean prayed it was all just a bad dream and he’d wake up very soon. It wasn’t, and she had teased them mercilessly about it until she went home. Dean had a terrible time meeting her gaze when he talked to her that whole weekend, but by the time she had to leave she had insisted that he call her Mom just like Steve did.

Dean had been under the impression no one else in Christian’s family knew about Dean being anything more than the friend he had pretended to be when they visited Christian’s family while they were together, but that didn’t seem to be the case. It made him wonder who else Christian had told, and why.

Charlie smiled. “I’m glad you found him again, _Wahya_. You go enjoy yourself, just don’t come back in here to tell me about it tomorrow. Then I won’t have to lie to your mother if someone tells her you boys didn’t try to head home tonight before the snow like you told her you would.”

Christian laughed, blushing slightly. “Yessir. G’night.”

“Night, son,” Charlie said easily, turning away to go back to cooking.

Christian moved to the door, pushing it open and then looking at Dean with a soft little smile as he waited for him to go out. Dean smiled back, still blushing as he moved past Christian out the door into a dark alley that ran along the back of the bar. Steve was nowhere to be seen, but Dean heard a familiar big engine roar to life around the corner of the building a moment later and he was suddenly sure Steve had hurried to the Bronco to get the heater turned on. It was pretty cold outside and starting to smell like snow to Dean, but when he glanced upwards he saw the sky was completely clear with what looked like a million stars shining brightly.

Christian moved closer to Dean, putting his free hand at the small of Dean’s back as he murmured, “C’mon, babe. Steve can meet us there.”

Dean smiled at Christian and then turned to the left to walk quickly towards the side of the building, reassured by having Christian’s comforting presence at his shoulder and praying that they really could make something work out so they could see each other sometimes. He thought they could, and was pretty sure he’d end up seeing Christian fairly often if he left it up to Christian, which made his smile fade away. The hardest part of seeing Christian again would be keeping Christian from walking away from his life in LA to be with Dean.

The prospect of having Christian with him on the road probably should have made Dean happy, but it didn’t. The very idea of letting Christian go hunting with him scared him shitless, not because he doubted Christian’s ability to keep up, but because he knew his own ability to keep his mind on the job would be nonexistent while Christian was so close to him. He had let Christian go with him to help Bobby just one time while they were together, and Christian still carried the scars he got saving Dean’s life. Dean had been so distracted by trying to watch out for Christian that he had made stupid mistakes that almost got them both killed, and he refused to have Christian’s blood on his hands ever again.

 

~*~

 

Dean shut off the Impala and took the keys out of the ignition, looking over at Christian as he took the room key out of his jacket pocket. “I’ve got to get my bag out of the trunk, but you can go on in if you want. It’s gettin’ pretty cold out here, and I turned up the heat in the room before I headed to dinner.”

“I’d rather stay with you, babe,” Christian said softly, smiling at Dean as he opened his door and let in a gust of cold air. “I can take a little cold.”

Dean smiled back, feeling warm despite the chill as he murmured, “I’d kinda like that myself.”

Christian smiled a little wider. “Might wanna get out then, babe.” He got out without waiting for Dean to answer, moving towards the trunk as soon as he had closed his door.

Dean chuckled slightly and followed Christian’s example, shutting the driver’s door and then walking quickly to the trunk to unlock it and lift the lid. He was leaning in to grab his duffle, which had slid towards the front of the trunk, when Christian suddenly asked, “Where’s your Martin?”

Dean’s smile faded away as he straightened up with the duffle, not looking at Christian as he shut the trunk. “I had to sell it to pay Bobby’s doctor bills.”

“Damn,” Christian murmured, sounding upset. “You loved that guitar.”

Dean shrugged one shoulder and started quickly towards his motel room, still not looking at Christian. “I needed cash in a hurry ‘cause the hospital was makin’ threats about puttin’ me an’ him both in jail after his bills had maxed out the credit card I signed him in with, an’ we were in a town too small for me to be able to hustle for it like I usually would. The local sheriff wouldn’t let me have my car to drive to another town because they thought I was gonna make a run for it, so I did some pokin’ around online and found a guy who wanted the Martin bad enough to drive a nearly three hundred miles to buy it.” He paused as he reached the door, unlocking it before he admitted softly, “He wanted me to take eight for it, but after I played it for him an’ said I had to have twelve, he offered eleven thousand for it. That was enough to pay the bill with a couple hundred left over for gas, so I took it.”

“I’m sorry you had to do that, babe,” Christian murmured as he followed Dean into the darkened hotel room. He left the door open a few inches despite the chill, sure that Steve was going to join them as soon as he had gotten a room of his own. “Bobby told me you quit playing, but he didn’t say you sold the Martin.”

“He doesn’t know,” Dean said quietly, tossing his duffle onto one of the beds. He walked around between the beds to turn on both bedside lamps before he turned to look at Christian again. “I told him I left it with Jensen.”

“He’s gonna kick your ass for lyin’ to him one of these days,” Christian said with a sigh, putting the three beers he was carrying down on the small table that was sitting in the front corner of the room near the door. “You know he’ll be pissed you sold it.”

“Not as pissed as Puck would be, if he knew,” Dean said quietly, looking down at the scuffed toes of his boots. “The last thing he said the day I left Lima was that I’d better still have his guitar next time he saw me.” He let out a soft little humorless laugh. “Not that he’s ever going to see me again, but yeah. I promised him I’d keep it.”

Christian sighed and walked over to Dean, lifting his hand to Dean’s jaw and gently tipping his head to make Dean look at him as he asked quietly, “Why didn’t you just call me? I would have been glad to pay Bobby’s hospital bills, an’ I had just finished makin’ that movie about Enron so you _knew_ I had plenty of money in the bank.”

“I couldn’t,” Dean whispered, swallowing hard. “If I had heard your voice the last little shred of control I had over myself would have snapped. That’s why I didn’t say goodbye. I knew if I tried, I’d break down and let you come with me.”

“Would that be so bad?” Christian asked softly, pained. “I’d almost think you’re ashamed of me, except Bobby and your dad _both_ know about me, so it’s not like they would have been surprised.”

“I’m proud as hell that you love me, Christy, but I couldn’t take it if you got hurt again because of me,” Dean said softly, looking into Christian’s sad blue eyes. “I had to choose whether to break your heart or let you come with me an’ maybe die, an’ I’m not sorry that I picked breakin’ your heart. I knew Stevie would take care of you, and I hoped you’d be able to forgive me someday.”

“It took me a few months, but I did,” Christian said gently, moving his hand around to the back of Dean’s neck as he shifted a little closer, gazing into Dean’s eyes. “I realized why you left me within a few days, an’ I probably would have taken off after you if I hadn’t been so busy with crap for Angel. By the time I had a few days off coming, Bobby had called and told me how wrecked you were, an’ he said it would just hurt you even more if I went chasin’ after you so I waited and hoped that if I was patient you’d call or visit or _somethin’_.” He swallowed hard, looking pained as his gaze dropped and he murmured, “But you never did.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean whispered, finally wrapping his arms around Christian as he closed the last little bit of distance between them to hold Christian close, his cheek pressed to Christian’s fuzzy knit hat near his ear. It felt like it had been years since he held Christian, a lifetime even, and he never wanted to let go even though he knew he would have to very soon. “I wanted to be with you more than anything, but I knew if I went back, I’d never be able to make myself leave a second time.”

Christian wrapped his arms around Dean, hiding his face against Dean’s throat and sounding kind of wrecked as he said, “God I missed you, baby. I wasn’t alone, but Stevie’s just not you.”

The door to the room closed quietly then and Dean and Christian pulled apart quickly, both of them blushing a bit as they turned to watch Steve carry the food over to the table. “Took a few minutes for the microwave in the office to heat up your burgers, Dean.” He looked a little sad and definitely unhappy, and Dean was sure he had heard what Christian said.

“Steve, I—“ Christian began, but Steve waved a hand and cut him off.

“Don’t, Chris,” Steve said firmly, looking at Christian as he sat in one of the two chairs at the table. “I knew before I ever got into your bed that Dean comes first for you, not me. Knowing how much you love him, I can live with second place.” He paused slightly and then added, “Especially since I get you to myself most of the time, so I know he’d like to be me these days.”

“I sure would,” Dean agreed softly, walking over to pick up his dinner and the Pabst. “I’d kill to spend the rest of my life workin’ in a studio by day like you do an’ going home with Chris every night.”

Steve gave Dean a searching look, his eyes widening just a bit as he murmured, “You really would, wouldn’t you?”

Dean gave Steve a crooked little smile. “If it would change all the reasons I can’t be with him like I want? Yeah, I would. In a heartbeat. As long as it wasn’t someone I love that I’d have to kill, I wouldn’t even be sorry.”

“Damn,” Steve murmured, looking a little concerned. “I love him, but I wouldn’t _kill_ for him.”

“And that’s why you’re the one he ought to be with,” Dean said quietly, turning away to carry his dinner to the bed so Christian could eat at the table with Steve. He was used to eating on a motel bed, but Steve and Christian were both a little more civilized than he was. “I’m all kinds of screwed up, Steve, an’ I’ve done a hell of a lot of things you would _never_ do.” He climbed up on the bed, settling cross-legged with his slightly muddy boots on the comforter as he smiled at Steve, wry and amused. “I’ve been walkin’ that thin line between wrong and just plain evil since I was five, an’ it’s too late now for me to ever be normal. I’ve tried, an’ all it does is make everyone I love miserable, if it don’t get them hurt or killed along the way.”

“If bein’ wiling to kill to keep me makes you evil, babe, then I’m right there with you,” Christian said quietly, walking to the table to turn the empty chair so he could see Dean and Steve from it and then taking a seat. “If I thought it’d let you settle down an’ have that life you want, I’d put a bullet between your daddy’s eyes right now and not even be sorry I did it.”

Dean looked at Christian, sad and wry and yet still a little amused. “I know. You’re a little too much like me for your own good.”

Christian smiled, reaching for his Corona to knock the cap off on the metal-clad edge of the table as he said simply, “There’s worse things I could be.”

Dean smiled. “A few, yeah.”

“More ‘n a few,” Christian disagreed with a snort. “You’ve done some stuff you ain’t proud of, babe, but so has everybody else in this world.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask, but curiosity is killing me,” Steve said quietly, watching Dean with an unreadable expression. “What exactly have you done that’s so bad, Dean?”

“You shouldn’t be askin’ him that, Stevie,” Christian said, frowning at Steve slightly.

“No, he’s got the right to know, if he wants to,” Dean said quietly, making Christian look at him in surprise.

“I do,” Steve said, nodding. “You’ve been keeping secrets since the day we met.”

Dean took a slow deep breath and then looked down, finding it easier to look at his food as he opened the Styrofoam container and said quietly, “I’ve done a lot you would never do, Steve. Top of the list is probably the fact I really was a rentboy off an’ on from the time I was fourteen up until a few years ago, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg, really. When I was a kid I stole stuff pretty much every day to feed my little brother, an’ I’ve put more than my fair share of men in the hospital.” He paused, thinking, and then added, “And a couple years ago I killed a man, but it was an accident.” He picked up the burger he had started at the bar, glad that Steve had nuked it for him as he took a bite even though he didn’t really want it anymore. He hadn’t eaten since lunch, and all he had then was a Barqs and a Snickers bar, so he was sure he needed the food.

“Jesus, Dean,” Steve said softly, making Dean look over at him. Steve looked kind of shocked but sad too as he said softly, “I knew your dad was a worthless asshole, but he let you hook at _fourteen_?”

Dean chewed and swallowed, then said quietly, “Dad started leavin’ me and Sam on our own when Sam was two, so he didn’t know much about what we did. I had to feed Sam somehow, and I was tired of stealing, so I sold the only thing I had that other people wanted.” He shrugged slightly, looking down at his sandwich again as he said simply, “Me.” He took another big bite of his burger, wanting to finish it off as quickly as possible.

Steve and Christian were both quiet for a few minutes as they all began eating dinner instead of talking any more. Dean had just finished off his first burger and he was looking around for something to open his beer with when Steve suddenly asked, “What about the guy you killed?”

Dean looked over at Steve. “It happened one night a few weeks before I moved in with Jensen. I’d had a little too much to drink while I was hustling pool, and a guy was pissed he’d lost his paycheck to me, so he waited until I left the pool hall and then came after me with a knife. He cut my side pretty bad before I even knew he was there, an’ instinct took over. I pulled my knife and fought back, and he was dead before I hardly knew what was happening.” He looked around again, still wanting to open his beer but not wanting to scratch up the motel’s furniture, which was actually in pretty decent shape considering how cheap the room had been.

Christian leaned towards the bed to reach for Dean’s beer, murmuring, “Hand that here, babe. I’ll open it.”

Dean passed the beer to Christian without any argument, giving him a slight smile. “Thanks, Chris.”

Christian smiled at him and rapped the bottle’s cap off on the metal-clad edge of the small table, then offered the beer back to Dean as he said, “Anytime.”

“You already knew all of that, didn’t you?” Steve said suddenly, making Christian and Dean both look over at him. Steve was looking thoughtful as he searched Christian’s eyes for something, adding, “I’d even risk a guess you knew pretty early on.”

“Dean told me most of it before we ever had sex the first time,” Christian agreed, nodding. “I didn’t know about the guy he killed until about a week later.”

“And it didn’t bother you?” Steve asked softly, surprised.

Christian smiled crookedly, reaching for his beer. “I came pretty damned close to doin’ the same thing more than once, Stevie, an’ I can’t be unhappy he protected himself. If he didn’t, he’d likely have been the one who ended up dead.”

Steve waved his hand dismissively. “I don’t mean that, I know you well enough to know him killing an armed man in a fair fight wouldn’t bother you. I mean the fact he really was a rentboy, not just playing the part.”

“He did what he had to do to survive,” Christian said softly. “I probably slept with more strangers than he did before he an’ I met, Stevie, and for less reason.”

Steve just looked at Christian for a few minutes, silent, then looked over towards Dean again. “Were you at least tested before you two started barebacking?”

Dean felt his face heat up, his eyes widening in surprise as he looked at Christian. “You told him?”

Steve snorted and spoke before Christian could. “He didn’t have to. You two fucked all over the place, and I never saw a used rubber _anywhere_ until after you were gone.”

“You make him wear a condom?” Dean asked, kind of surprised still and blushing, but curious.

Steve looked at Christian, his expression going a little closed as he said quietly, “He’s never asked me about it.”

Christian flushed. “I’ve never barebacked with anyone but Dean an’ Michelle, an’ it was only once with Michelle.”

“And then with Dean, you stopped using them almost immediately, “ Steve said quietly, “didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I did,” Christian admitted, nodding. “That first time behind the barn neither of us had a condom, an’ we wanted each other too bad to wait.”

Steve looked at Dean again. “ _Did_ you get tested?”

“Before I ever met either of you,” Dean said quietly, meeting Steve’s gaze. “I’ve never had unprotected sex with anyone but Chris, and I wouldn’t have with him either if I wasn’t sure I was clean. By the time we got that far, I already loved him too much to let him risk catchin’ something from me.”

“And if you had caught something from him?” Steve asked, giving Dean a searching look. “He used to fuck around a hell of a lot before he met you.”

“I wasn’t worried about me,” Dean admitted, looking down as he picked up his second burger. “If he had something deadly, I wouldn’t have minded dyin’ with him.”

“That’s not smart or even _sane_ , Dean,” Steve said, sounding kind of unhappy and worried. “Not even a little bit.”

Dean looked over at Steve again, taking in the worried frown on Steve’s face as he said, “I never claimed to be smart or sane, Steve.” He looked back down to take a bite of his burger, which was really pretty awesome even though he didn’t much want it. It was the best burger he’d had since he left LA, but it was hard for him to really enjoy it when all he really wanted to do was climb into Christian’s lap and cling to him like a little girl.

Silence fell again, broken only by the soft sounds of them eating, and Dean was down to one last bite of his burger when he noticed a soft hissing sound that made him look towards Christian and Steve in surprise. “Somebody tell me that ain’t sleet I hear.”

Christian glanced over at Dean and then stood to walk to the window by the door, pulling aside the curtain and looking out for only a moment before he let the curtain fall and turned back towards the table. “Can’t, sorry. I’m glad we didn’t try to drive home tonight, it’s comin’ down in sheets out there. I bet the roads are nasty as hell west of here.”

Steve groaned and muttered, “Fan-fucking-tastic. I get to walk all the way to the other end of the motel in that shit.”

“You could always stay with us,” Christian pointed out, dropping back into his chair and reaching for his nearly empty beer. “There’s two beds, if you don’t want to join us.”

Steve stared at Christian in shock. “Join you?”

Christian met Steve’s gaze without flinching. “Yeah, join us. You an’ I both know you don’t like sleepin’ alone any more than I do, and Dean won’t mind.”

“You didn’t even _ask him_ ,” Steve said, frowning.

Christian looked at Dean. “Do you mind if Steve joins us?”

“He’s not fuckin’ me,” Dean said immediately, “but other than that I’m fine with it.”

Christian looked back at Steve. “There, I asked. He don’t mind.”

Steve stared at Christian a moment longer and then looked at Dean. “I _know_ you don’t want to share him, Dean.”

“I’m already sharin’ him with you, Steve,” Dean pointed out quietly, “an’ you’ve been with him a hell of a lot more than I have recently. Like I told you earlier, I don’t expect you to sleep alone just because y’all stumbled over me in a bar in the middle of nowhere.”

Steve looked at Dean for a moment and then said, “You’re not fucking me either, Dean.”

“No offense, Stevie, but I wasn’t about to ask if I could,” Dean replied, suddenly feeling a little amused. “I haven’t had sex with any guy but Chris since the day I met him, an’ it’s stayin’ that way.”

Christian frowned, looking at Dean. “Babe, you don’t have to do that.”

Dean looked at Christian, still smiling slightly as he said, “Christy, before I met you I had sex with exactly two guys who didn’t pay me for it. I’m not goin’ back to sellin’ my ass, an’ I’m sure as hell not gonna start lookin’ for another boyfriend, so you’re it, sweetheart. If I never see you again, then I’ll stick to women.”

“But you love bein’ fucked, babe,” Christian pointed out, still looking unhappy.

“I do,” Dean agreed, “but I’m not lookin’ for love ever again. I’ve found it twice an’ that’s enough. It hurts too goddamned much when I have to go on alone again.”

“Three times,” Christian said quietly. “You just won’t tell—“

“And I’m never going to,” Dean interrupted, giving Christian a quelling look. “An’ you can keep your mouth shut about that. I’ll probably never talk to him again anyway.”

“I still say you need to just go _see_ him,” Christian said with a sigh. “I know how much you miss him, an’ Bobby says—“

“Bobby doesn’t know the whole story, unless you told him,” Dean pointed out.

“I didn’t,” Christian said quickly. “I wouldn’t.”

“Good,” Dean said, looking down as he picked up the last of his burger to pop it into his mouth.

“Why do I get the feeling that you’re talking about Sam?” Steve asked suddenly just as Dean was trying to swallow the last of his burger, making Dean cough and choke slightly as he stared at Steve, wide-eyed. Steve frowned. “You _are_ talking about Sam!”

Christian rolled his eyes. “No shit, Sherlock. Of _course_ we’re talkin’ about Sam. Dean’s been missing him like he’d miss his right arm ever since Sam told him he didn’t ever want to talk to him again.”

Steve frowned at Christian, looking a little confused and a lot disgusted. “He’s in love with his _little brother_ and you don’t think that’s _wrong_?!”

Christian made a face, looking utterly disgusted, and Dean was suddenly very glad that Christian was such a good actor. “No, he’s not in love with Sammy! Damn! That’s just _nasty._ ”

Steve blinked and then looked even more confused. “Then what the hell are you two talking about?”

“He _loves_ Sam, sure,” Christian said as if he was talking to a rather slow three-year-old, “but he’s not _in love_ with Sam. He changed the kid’s _diapers_ , Stevie. That would be just all _kinds_ of wrong.”

“An’ there’s some things even I won’t do,” Dean added, having no trouble looking disgusted, even though he was mostly disgusted with himself. Christian knew the truth, knew Dean _was_ more than a little bit in love with his little brother and had been for years, but for some reason Dean couldn’t fathom, Christian didn’t think it made him a monster. Dean couldn’t really agree. It was one of the few things he and Christian had really fought about while they were together. “I raised Sammy, there’s no way in hell I’d ever touch him. He’s my baby brother.”

“Then what were you wanting him to tell Sam?” Steve asked, frowning at Christian and still looking confused.

“How much he _misses_ the kid, you dumbass,” Christian said, looking at Steve like he was an idiot. “There’s not a whole lot of people in this world Dean has let himself get attached to, and Sammy’s the one he misses the most.”

“Right now, maybe,” Dean said quietly. “But that’s only ‘cause you’re here, Christy. After I have to pull out of here and head north alone, he’ll go back to bein’ in second place.”

Christian looked over at Dean, his expression softening into a sad smile. “I know, baby. I’m gonna miss you all over again, too.”

“Why don’t you just go north with him?” Steve asked suddenly, and Dean looked at him quickly in shock, frowning. Steve was quick to add, “Not for good, Dean, just until you have to head out again to do whatever shady thing it is you do. Chris can hop a plane in Sioux Falls to fly home.” He turned his attention to Christian. “ _Angel_ is taking a break until the first of the year because everyone wanted to go home for the holidays, so you don’t really have to be back in LA until that gig we’ve got at the Viper room New Year's Eve. You’ve got almost two weeks to spend some time with him.” He paused and then added, “It’s not like you have to get back for the horses anymore, and Dave will understand you not showing up for that Christmas party Friday night.”

Christian stared at Steve for a moment and then asked slowly, “What about you, Stevie?”

“I’ll take the scenic route home,” Steve said, smiling gently at Christian. “Go skiing, maybe even go spend a week or two in Pasadena with Mom before Christmas. She’d like that.”

“You’re sure,” Christian said, not really asking.

Steve nodded. “I am, babe. Spend some time with him while you can. You’ll both be busy again soon.”

Christian looked at Steve for a moment longer and then turned his attention to Dean. “What do you think about that, Dean?”

“I need to ask Bobby when I call to let him know where I stopped for the night, make sure he doesn’t mind me bringin’ you back with me,” Dean said quietly. “I’m sure he won’t, though, as long as you’re not plannin’ to try an’ go hunting with us again. He agrees with me that you need to stay out of the line of fire.”

“I promise I’ll stay out of it,” Christian said quietly, “but only if _you_ promise not to go after anything alone.”

Dean smiled. “Hell, Bobby already made me promise him that.”

“What exactly do you hunt, Dean?” Steve asked suddenly, making Dean look at him in surprise. “I asked Christian after I saw those scars he got the last time he went with you, but he wouldn’t tell me.”

“Rogue animals, mostly,” Dean said, skirting the truth slightly. “Ones that start killin’ people just because they can.”

Steve looked at Christian, frowning. “And why didn’t you tell me that?”

“Because it’s not the whole story,” Dean said before Christian could answer, making Steve look at him again. “You just wouldn’t believe the rest.”

“Try me,” Steve said quickly, still frowning.

Dean looked at Christian. “Should I?”

“If it was my story to tell, babe, he’d have known over a year ago,” Christian replied quietly. “You can trust him, even if he doesn’t believe you.”

Dean looked at Christian a moment longer, then turned his attention to Steve and said simply, “Supernatural critters, mostly. The thing that tore Chris up was a werewolf.”

Steve’s eyes widened and he looked at Christian. “Is he shittin’ me?!”

Christian gave Steve a wry little smile. “No, Stevie, he’s not. I wasn’t sure I believed it completely myself until that big ol’ wolf I shot turned into a man again after it was dead.”

Steve stared at Christian a moment and then looked at Dean. “How many things that look like people have you ever killed?”

“I stopped counting years ago,” Dean said with a shrug. “Lots of nasty critters can _look_ human.”

“Guess, Dean,” Steve said firmly. “A ballpark figure.”

Dean thought about it a moment, then asked, “Ones that looked human when I killed them, or just things that could if they wanted to?”

“Ones that could look human,” Steve said.

“Probably a couple hundred,” Dean admitted, gathering up his beer bottle and the Styrofoam container his dinner was in and the scooting towards the edge of the bed he was on. “No more than three hundred, though.”

“Holy shit!” Steve blurted, looking freaked out. “Just how common _are_ these things?!”

Dean let out a little snort of a laugh, moving to put the things he was carrying on the table out of the way. “Pretty common, Stevie. I stay busy, savin’ people an’ hunting things. Dad let me start hunting with him the summer I was sixteen, an’ I been doin’ it ever since. It’s what Dad raised me to do, an’ what Bobby’s been doin’ since I was a baby, an’ it’s pretty much all I know.”

“That’s not true, babe,” Christian said, reaching out to grab Dean’s hand. “You’re damned good with a horse, an’ you’re good enough with a guitar to make a decent living as a set musician, not to mention the fact you’re a fantastic cook.”

Dean gave Christian’s hand a squeeze, feeling kind of sad as he said gently, “That’s not really my life, Christy. There’s not many folks out there who know the things I know, and I can’t walk away from them again.”

“How many people have you helped since you left LA?” Steve asked suddenly, making Dean look at him.

Dean thought about it a few moments and then said, “Around a hundred, if you count the hunts where Bobby or Dad put down whatever we were after.”

“In six months?” Steve asked, surprised and looking kind of freaked out again.

“Yeah, but it mostly wasn’t stuff that could look human,” Dean pointed out, then looked away as he admitted, “Dad and Bobby have tried hard to keep me busy so I wouldn’t think about Chris so much, but they didn’t want me messin’ with the really nasty things. After the first hunt I went on with Dad once Bobby could take care of himself again, they were afraid to.”

“Damn,” Christian murmured, his grip on Dean’s hand tightening.

“You must be pretty good at it,” Steve said quietly. “You don’t look any the worse for wear.”

Dean let out a little ghost of a laugh. “You just can’t see the new scars right now, Stevie. Most of the stuff I hunt doesn’t go for your face.”

Christian frowned. “Then strip, Dean. I want to see what you let those things do to you.”

Dean looked at Christian a moment and then pulled his hand free of Christian’s and shrugged out of his leather jacket, hanging it on the back of Christian’s chair as he looked at Steve. “You mind?”

Steve shook his head. “I’m curious, too.”

Dean nodded and moved towards the closest bed as he looked down and started unbuttoning his flannel shirt, making quick work of it and then letting the shirt fall. He sat on the bed as he tugged his long-sleeved henley and the t-shirt he was wearing under it up and off, then he picked up one foot to take off his boot while he waited for Christian to explode.

There were a dozen or so new pink scars still livid against Dean’s pale skin, and he knew Christian would be upset about every one of them. The narrow lines on his ribs where a werewolf had clawed his side while he was ramming a silver knife into its brain obviously hadn’t been a major injury, but the ugly track that started six inches below his left nipple and wrapped around his side where a witch with a knife had gotten really close to gutting him a couple months back would freak Christian out, Dean was sure. The scattered scars from cuts he hadn’t noticed until Dad or Bobby told him he was bleeding made it look like he’d been hurt a lot worse than they really were, but one of the worst scars was still hidden by his jeans.

Christian got up and moved to the bed, climbing up on it on his knees next to Dean to look at his back too as he growled, “Dean, what the fuck were you _thinking_? You look like you lost a fight with a _lawnmower_.”

Dean flinched at the sudden lack of accent in Christian’s voice, knowing it meant that Christian was fighting hard to control himself. He dropped his boot and then switched feet to remove the other one, watching his fingers like they were the most interesting thing in the world as he said, “I wasn’t, okay? I just— I was hurting so bad, I didn’t even _notice_ _it_ when things got me. That’s why I’m not allowed to hunt even a chupacabra without a chaperone anymore.”

Christian reached out to run his hand over the four stripes down Dean’s back where a young hellhound had tackled him, sounding pained as he murmured, “Babe, it would _kill me_ if you did something stupid and got yourself killed.”

Dean dropped the second boot and then stood, stepping away from Christian but still not looking at him as he started to unbuckle his belt. “I’m sorry, but nothing could ever hurt as much as knowing I had hurt you. I try to be more careful now, really I do, but some days I still don’t notice it when I get hurt.” He started to push his jeans down, adding softly, “I nearly died a couple of times, but the worst was that first hunt with Dad. It was just a ghoul, but it took my machete and then it cut me before Dad finally shot it enough times to knock it down.”

Dean didn’t need to look at the narrow scar that started just above the inside of his knee and ran up the leg to his hip to know what it looked like, but he was praying that Christian wouldn’t realize how deep it had been. Dean had nearly bled out by the time John noticed he was hurt, and John had been forced to cauterize part of the wound with a hastily heated knife blade just to be able to get Dean to a hospital before he died. Dean had ended up needing several pints of blood and surgery to repair the damage, and months later it was still obvious he had lost muscle in that leg while he was healing.

“God, Dean,” Steve murmured, drawing Dean’s gaze to him. Steve was looking upset and worried, staring at Dean’s thigh as he asked softly, “How high does that one go?”

“How high does what go?” Christian asked, climbing off the bed again and moving around Dean to look. His eyes went wide when he saw Dean’s leg and his gaze jerked up to Dean’s eyes as he ordered, ”Let me see the whole thing, Dean. Now.”

Dean flushed a bit but didn’t argue at all, shoving his boxers down until they fell the rest of the way. “It’s not as bad as it looks. It doesn’t bother me at all anymore, and the leg’s almost back up to snuff.”

Christian moved towards Dean, frowning and looking kind of scared as he knelt in front of Dean, running his cold fingertips lightly along the scar in a way that made Dean shiver. “Quit lying to me.” He looked up at Dean, his fingertips pausing at the worst of the scar to press gently against the throbbing artery that wasn’t very far at all below the surface as he said, “It cut the femoral, didn’t it?” Dean closed his eyes, nodding, and then he shivered as Christian’s fingertips ghosted along the scar again slowly. “God, baby. You nearly _died_.”

“I wanted to then,” Dean admitted very softly, opening his eyes again to look down at Christian, who somehow managed to look angry and pained and scared all at once. “Bobby kept pushing me to go back to you and I wanted to so damn bad, but I couldn’t. People _died_ because I was in California with you instead of doin’ my job, and I knew if I walked away it was gonna happen again. I couldn’t stay without dyin’ by inches, and I couldn’t go without other people payin’ for my selfishness, and it was ripping me apart. I just wanted it to end so I wouldn’t have to try to choose anymore.”

Christian closed his eyes, swallowing hard as he whispered, “It kills me, knowing you tried to get yourself killed.”

“Bobby made me swear that I wouldn’t kill myself,” Dean murmured, not bothering to go into the binding ritual Bobby used so that Dean was physically incapable of trying to hurt himself. “Letting a critter do the job was the only way out I thought I had. No matter what I did it wasn’t going to be right, and _everything_ hurt except getting hurt.” He moved one hand to Christian’s knit hat, tugging it off and dropping it before he stroked Christian’s hair, adding softly, “When that happened, I didn’t even feel it or care. I just sat on the Impala’s hood and waited for Dad to finish burning the ghoul that did it. Dad freaked out when he realized that the artery was completely severed, but I didn’t even bother trying to stop the bleeding until he ordered me to reach in and hold the artery shut.” Christian looked down, shuddering as he let out a low pained noise, and Dean closed his eyes again, his fingers still in Christian’s hair. “He wouldn’t let me hunt with him for a long time after that, not until Bobby was in shape to go with us.”

“At least one of you was thinking,” Steve said quietly, making Dean open his eyes to look at Steve again. Steve looked sad and worried as he added, “And I don’t know about you two, but I think it’s too cold to stand around naked. We should go to bed, if we’re going.”

“We are,” Christian said immediately, looking up at Dean again as he murmured, “I don’t want to talk any more about the past, though. It hurts to damned much.”

“I won’t,” Dean promised, offering Christian his hand to help him up. “No more talking about me tonight. We’re both better off forgetting it all.”

Christian let Dean pull him to his feet and then stepped in close, lifting his free hand to Dean’s jaw as he murmured, “I can’t forget, Dean. I just need to hold you and know you’re alive and safe right now, if only for a little while.”

“Anything you want,” Dean agreed, leaning into Christian’s touch.

Steve stood, moving in close behind Christian and reaching around him to start unbuttoning Christian’s shirt as he looked at Dean and murmured, “He wants you, Dean. He’s wanted you every minute since you left him.”

Dean smiled sadly at Steve. “He’s got me. He always has, since the first time I saw him.”

Christian let go of Dean suddenly, moving his hands to stop Steve. “Wait a minute, I need my clothes still.” He pulled away from both of them, grabbing Dean’s leather jacket off the nearby chair and then shrugging into it as he looked at Steve. “Did you lock the truck?”

Steve blinked, looking surprised and confused. “Not yet. I hadn’t gotten my stuff out of it.”

“Good,” Christian said, ducking to grab his hat off the floor and then heading for the door as he tugged it back on. “I’ll be right back.” He opened the door, pausing there to look at Dean and Steve. “You two behave yourselves, you hear me? No hurtin’ each other, not even with words.”

“I wouldn’t Christy,” Dean said softly, surprised.

Christian looked at Steve, waiting for an answer.

“Alright,” Steve agreed after a long moment.

Christian nodded and then he was gone out into the sleet that was still falling heavily, leaving Dean and Steve alone.

Dean was suddenly very conscious of the fact he was naked while Steve was fully dressed, and he bent to grab his boxers and tug them back up as he said quietly, “You got every reason to hate me, Steve, I know. Thanks for givin’ me a chance.”

Steve moved to sit down in the nearest chair again, watching Dean as he murmured, “I know you were hurtin’ yourself as much as you hurt him.” He paused, his gaze roaming over Dean’s body, and then he admitted quietly, “Probably more. He’s right about that. He had me there to take care of him and try to keep him sane, but you were alone and anyone can see you didn’t take it well.”

Dean sat on the edge of the bed, looking at Steve. “I had Bobby watchin’ over me most of the time. It helped sometimes.”

“But not often,” Steve said quietly, meeting Dean’s gaze. “You didn’t tell Chris the worst of it.”

Dean looked down. “No. I didn’t.” He lifted his gaze to Steve’s sad blue eyes again, adding, “And I’m not gonna. I’ve hurt him enough. He doesn’t need to know that Bobby and Dad were so scared I’d kill myself because I tried a couple times.” He paused and then admitted, “Almost succeeded once.” That had been why Bobby did the binding ritual on him, breaking one of Bobby’s own rules out of sheer desperation in his attempts to keep Dean alive.

Steve sighed. “I wanted to hate you for what you did to him. If someone had asked me yesterday what I’d do if we ran into you, I would have said I’d try to kill you with my bare hands.”

“You should,” Dean agreed softly, looking away. “I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t,” Steve said, making Dean look at him again in surprise. “You were dealt a shitty hand, Dean. I didn’t really know why you left, or believe how hard it was for you. You never told me what you do and Chris just said you had good reasons and refused to talk about it. I couldn’t see how anyone who loved him could possibly have a good reason to hurt him like that, until now.” He shifted in his chair, leaning towards Dean a little as he said quietly, “What you do, there’s not many people helping you, is there?”

Dean was quiet for a moment and then admitted, “I’ve met maybe fifteen hunters that are still breathin’, and know of maybe that many more.” He paused and then added, “Countin’ the ones I know of in Canada and Mexico, an’ the two guys Bobby knows in England.”

“So you’re all spread pretty thin,” Steve said quietly. “There’s nobody out there with the training and knowledge to do it for you, in other words.”

“No, there’s not,” Dean agreed. “When someone gets killed hunting, the rest of us have to pick up the slack or innocent people die.” He hesitated slightly. “My dad got three hunters killed while I was with Chris, includin’ one I had called Uncle all my life. He was in ‘Nam with Dad and Bobby, and left behind a wife and daughter who are havin’ a hell of a time making ends meet now. I send money to Bobby to pass on so they can get by, and Bobby visits ‘em pretty often, but it’s a piss-poor replacement for Ellen’s husband bein’ gone an’ little Jo growing up without a father.” He paused and then added, “Bobby’s really all they’ve got to fall back on, so Ellen lets him help out even though she hates it. She won’t take anything from me, she blames Dad for Uncle Bill’s death, an’ me for not being there in Bill’s place on that hunt. Hunters can’t really get life insurance for their families like normal people count on. Makin’ a claim is kind of hard when you can’t let the authorities see a body that was ripped apart.”

“Damn,” Steve murmured, looking kind of freaked out. “Ripped apart?”

“Bill’s body was in six pieces when I gathered it up to salt and burn, yeah,” Dean said quietly, nodding. “What we do, it’s not easy or safe, an’ it gets really gruesome sometimes.”

“Salt and _burn_?” Steve asked, frowning. “You didn’t even give him a decent burial?”

“That _is_ a decent burial,” Dean said firmly, frowning too. “Knowin’ all the things I do, I _pray_ someone’ll be there to salt and burn my corpse when I fuck up royally and buy the farm. If a body is salted and burned, nobody can bring it back.”

Steve shuddered, his eyes widening. “Zombies are real?”

“Among other things, yeah,” Dean agreed. “If you’ve got somebody’s body, you can do all kinds of nasty shit to their spirit, but if the bones are salted and burned to ash, then they’re safe.”

“So ghosts and all that kind of thing are real?” Steve asked, obviously curious but still worried by the idea.

“Yeah, they are,” Dean replied, nodding. “Ghosts are the spirits of people that couldn’t let go when their body died. They’re not all evil no matter what my dad says, but some of them _are_ nasty as hell. It depends on the spirit and what’s holding them to wherever they are. I’ve run into a few that were actually helping people in the places where they were bound. There’s one in a foundry in Alabama that’s been there for at least thirty years even though everything I know says he shouldn’t be. Guy fell into a vat of steel and was essentially vaporized, but somehow his spirit stayed anyway. I figure there must be a fingernail or some hair or something somewhere keeping him tied there, but I never really tried finding it once I figured out he’s a good guy. Dad sent me and Sam there a few summers back on our first solo hunt to have us exorcise him, but he’s just been savin’ other guys from dyin’ like he did, so we left him alone.”

“Wow,” Steve murmured. “Do you find many like that?”

“No,” Dean admitted, shrugging one shoulder. “Most spirits we hear about are killin’ people. That’s why we hear about them.”

“How?” Steve asked, looking curious. “How do you hear about them, I mean?”

“Internet, mostly,” Dean said, looking towards the door as it opened to watch Christian come back in covered in sleet and snow with two duffle bags slung over one shoulder. He stood, looking back at Steve as he added, “There’s people on message boards pulling together all the stories of hauntings and supernatural occurrences, an’ we check ‘em a few times a week an’ follow the leads they leave.” He turned away, walking over to take the bags from Christian as he added, “Get out of those wet things and get by the heater, before you freeze.”

“Already froze,” Christian said quickly, his teeth chattering as he shivered. “Fuckin’ _cold_ out there, an’ the ground’s slick as hell. Damn near broke my neck a dozen times.” He started trying to get out of Dean’s leather jacket, fumbling a bit because his fingers were numb as he added, “Nobody’s goin’ anywhere in the mornin’. I called Uncle Charlie to ask about the weather while I was in the truck, and he said this is supposed to stick around a few days. There’s already an inch of ice out there with snow startin’ to come down hard and fast on top of it, an' it’s getting real nasty fast. We’re gonna be _walkin’_ to get breakfast tomorrow.”

Dean put the duffle bags on one of the beds, turning to move back towards Christian and then stopping when he saw Steve had beaten him to it and was helping Christian with the buttons of his shirt already. “I’ll put the chains on my baby an’ we can take her in the mornin’,” Dean said, just standing there and watching as Steve slowly unbuttoned Christian’s outer flannel. “I’ve driven in worse.”

Christian looked at Dean, surprised and frowning a bit. “You’re in that big of a hurry to go?”

“I never said I was _leaving town_ in the morning,” Dean pointed out, smiling slightly. “I just don’t wanna walk to your Uncle Charlie’s place unless I gotta. Heaviest coat I got right now is my leather jacket, an’ my long johns are still at Bobby’s. I haven’t picked up my winter duffle yet.”

“You can wear a pair of mine,” Christian said, letting Steve push the flannel off his shoulders as he looked at Steve, adding softly, “Thanks, Stevie.”

“Welcome, babe,” Steve replied with a smile, reaching up to tug off Christian’s wet knit hat, which he dropped on the flannel. “Now get out of the rest of those clothes. You’re still shaking.”

Christian smiled crookedly. “That ain’t gonna warm me up any.” Despite his words he reached for the lower hems of the three shirts he was wearing, tugging them all up and dragging them off over his head as he added, “An’ I’m warnin’ you two right now, I’m froze clear to the bone.”

“We’ll warm you up,” Dean said, moving over to Christian to kneel at his feet and start untying the wet laces of his boots. “Won’t even take all that long.”

“You better,” Christian agreed, starting to unbuckle his belt as he looked down at Dean. “I’m expectin’ you both to get naked an’ join me.”

Dean looked up at Christian as he finished with the boots, smiling. “Anything you want, Christy.”

Christian looked at Steve, drawing Dean’s attention to him too. Steve was standing very close to them but not helping get Christian naked anymore, instead just watching Christian as he said quietly, “I’m not so sure I’m comfortable with that, Chris.”

Christian sighed, looking unhappy as he asked quietly, “An’ why not? Dean already told you he’s not gonna try anything with you.”

“Because you and Dean need tonight to be about you two, not me,” Steve replied.

“He’s goin’ north with me,” Dean pointed out quietly, making Steve look down at him in surprise. “You’re gonna be the one sleepin’ alone for the next week or two, Stevie, not me.”

“Still.” Steve shook his head, moving away from them to grab one of the duffles and move it over to the other bed. “I’ll be fine alone.” He snorted. “Hell, I slept alone all week this week at his parents’ place. I’m a big boy, I can take it.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to,” Christian said, frowning as he kicked out of his boots and then moved quickly after Steve. “Maybe I _missed_ sleepin’ with you beside me.”

Steve looked at Christian smiling slightly. “I know you did, babe, but you’ll have Dean to hold tonight.”

“I want you with me too,” Christian said quietly, looking unhappy. “I’m gonna miss you, Stevie.”

Dean’s cell phone suddenly began playing a familiar tune, and he stood to walk towards his jeans as they all looked towards the sound. “ _I ain’t nothin’ but a simple man, they call me a redneck, I reckon that I am, but there’s things goin’ on that make me mad down to the core_.”

Dean got his phone open just as the music began to repeat. “I was gonna call you soon, Bobby, honest.”

Bobby snorted, sounding amused as he said, “You parked somewhere out of that storm? I just saw the weather. Northern Oklahoma an’ Kansas are gettin’ pounded by a blizzard.”

“Yeah, I’m set,” Dean agreed, smiling a bit as he looked down. “I’m in Braman Oklahoma. I had dinner already an’ I was just about to head to bed.”

“You don’t sound tired, son,” Bobby pointed out, amused.

“I’m not real sleepy,” Dean agreed, “but it’s been a long day and I could stand some down time.” He paused and then added, “I ran into Chris and Steve tonight.”

Bobby was quiet a minute and then asked slowly, “That good or bad?”

“Good, I think,” Dean said quietly, looking over at Christian, who was still standing close by Steve in just his jeans while they both listened to Dean. “They’re here now, an’ Chris is comin’ up there with me for a while, if you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t mind,” Bobby said gruffly, sounding pleased. “You boys need some time together. I bet he’s been missin’ you as bad as you missed him.”

“That’s a safe bet,” Dean agreed as he looked down again. “Especially since he told me you’ve been talkin’ to him pretty regular, so you know it’s true.”

“He loves you, son,” Bobby pointed out, “an’ I’m not sorry I kept him from goin’ out of his mind worryin’ about you. He needed to know you’re safe, an’ I wanted to know he was doin’ okay without you. He’s family.”

“Thanks, Bobby,” Dean murmured.

“You don’t need to thank me,” Bobby said quietly. “Way I figure it, I owe you. You gave up the best thing you ever had to take care of me when I needed it, boy. I’ll never forget that.”

Dean didn’t know what to say to that, not with Christian and Steve listening to him, so he changed the subject. “You said you just watched the weather?”

“Yeah, I did,” Bobby agreed, not seeming to mind the abrupt shift of topic, and Dean knew that he didn’t. Dean had picked the habit up from Bobby, after all. “It’s gonna get pretty rough down there before it gets better. They’re talkin’ eight to twelve inches tonight where you are, an’ worse the further north you get. They said the roads likely won’t be plowed tomorrow in most places ‘cause nobody was expectin’ this much snow so early in December.”

“Great,” Dean muttered, letting out a slow sigh. “How long’s it supposed to hang around?”

“Snow’s gonna keep comin’ down until at least noon tomorrow, an’ then it’ll stay colder’n a witch’s tit for a week or so, accordin’ to the weather folks,” Bobby said. “I was callin’ to tell you to find somewhere an’ hole up until the roads are cleared. I’m glad Christian’s there, so you won’t be alone like I thought you would.”

“Chris and Steve are both here,” Dean said, nodding even though Bobby couldn’t possibly see it. “We’ll stick around until the roads are safe enough to travel, I promise.” He looked at Christian and Steve, adding, “I’ve got my snow chains, but I’d rather not use ‘em much if I don’t have to. They’re hell on tires.”

“They are the way you drive,” Bobby agreed with a snort. “Give it a few days, son. Braman’s a nice little town, you oughta be fine there. The bar’s got the best food in a couple hundred miles. When you go in, tell Charlie an’ Ginger that Bobby Singer says hi.”

“You know Charlie and Ginger?” Dean asked, surprised.

Bobby chuckled. “Hell, son, I know damn near everyone that can cook a decent chicken fried steak, you know that.” Dean laughed, knowing how true that was. Bobby traveled according to where the best food was, not the shortest route, and often went a few hundred miles out of his way to be sure he got a decent meal at the end of his day. Dean could hear the amusement in Bobby’s tone of voice as Bobby added, “You mind if talk to Chris ‘fore I go?”

“Not a bit,” Dean said quickly, surprised. “I know you two have been talkin’ a lot,” he added as he started towards Christian with the phone. Christian didn’t look surprised that Dean was walking towards him, his expression serious but fairly calm.

“Me an’ him have a lot in common,” Bobby said just a bit gruffly, and then he changed the subject. “I know you won’t go huntin’ as long as you got Christian with you, an’ he’ll make you eat a hell of a lot more often than you would on your own, so don’t get in any hurry to get up here. I expect to see you in a week or so, son. Any sooner than that an’ I’m gonna tan your hide.”

“I’ll call an’ let you know when it clears up enough for us to head north,” Dean agreed, smiling softly as he looked down again. “You take care of yourself, okay?”

“Always do, son,” Bobby agreed. “Now hand the phone to Chris.”

“Yes sir,” Dean agreed, offering Christian the phone. “Bobby wants to talk to you.”

Christian smiled slightly at him and took the phone, looking away as he said, “Hey, how you been?”

Dean couldn’t hear Bobby’s side of the conversation, and he felt like it was wrong to move closer and try to hear it, so he moved to the room’s heater instead and adjusted it a little warmer as he listened to Christian’s side of the conversation.

“Yeah, we were headin’ home from my parents’ place an’ stopped to have dinner at Uncle Charlie’s,” Christian said, pausing to listen to something Bobby said before he went on. “I’m glad we ran into him too, Bobby.”

Dean moved to gather up the trash left behind by their meal, feeling Christian’s gaze on him as Christian said more quietly, “It was rough on him, but he’s doin’ good now. It’ll take time for him to really believe I don’t hold it against him, but he’s tryin’.” He paused and then added, “It helps that Stevie understands finally. I’m not sure Dean could take it if Steve hated him for what he had to do.”

Dean swallowed hard as he carried the trash to the trashcan by the counter that held a coffee pot and a tiny sink, knowing how true that was. He had never felt anything sexual drawing him to Steve, but that hadn’t kept Stevie from being one of the closest friends he’d ever had, right along side Jensen. If Steve hated him, it _would_ be a lot harder, even though he knew he deserved it.

“We’re good, Bobby,” Christian said after a moment. “We’ll keep him from doin’ anything stupid.” He paused and then laughed. “Not tonight he won’t. He had a few beers, but he ain’t drinkin’ himself insensible on my watch, you got my word on that.”

Dean finally looked towards Christian and Steve again, surprised to see that Steve had started to strip and was down to a tank top and his jeans as he stepped out of his boots. Steve looked a little amused as he met Dean’s gaze, and Dean had to smile slightly in reply.

“Eh, you ain’t gotta thank me,” Christian said, seeming not to notice Dean and Steve. “I’d ‘ve done somethin’ about it a long time ago if I could.” He rolled his eyes, nodding. “Yeah, I know, I’m tough but not tough enough to do what he does, blah blah blah.” He let out a little snort of a laugh. “Well, I heard it a couple times a week for months, you don’t have to keep remindin’ me I’m not a Winchester. I know they’re a breed all to themselves.”

Dean let out a soft little surprised chuckle at that, drawing Christian’s gaze to him. Christian smirked at Dean as he listened to Bobby for a moment and then said, “We weren’t in any hurry, Bobby. We’re stickin’ around at least until the roads clear up west of here so Stevie can head home. The Bronco’s got four-wheel-drive, but the tires aren’t really all that great an’ I don’t like him drivin’ alone in the snow.” He paused and then nodded, looking down again. “Yeah, we’ll keep him out of trouble an’ make sure he eats more ’n once a day.” Christian listened to something Bobby said and then snickered. “Yeah, well, we’ll be warmer than you, I’m sure. I bet it’s colder than a well digger’s ass in the Klondike up there.” He laughed. “Don’t even try to tell me I’m wrong, man. You’re in _South Dakota_. It’s cold up there even in the summer time.”

Dean snickered as he watched Christian, amused because he’d always thought South Dakota was actually kind of nice in the summer. A hell of a lot nicer than being down south in the summer, for sure, or even being in LA. Christian thrived in the heat and loved when the temperatures got into the upper nineties or even higher, but it just made Dean want to head north as fast as the Impala could go.

“Yeah, well, give me LA any day,” Christian said with a laugh. “Don’t get cold out there much at all, an’ I never have to worry about tornados in the summer time or gettin’ snowed in for the winter.” He listened to something Bobby said, and then he grinned. “Yeah, you go on an’ find some food, old man. We’ll be in touch before too long.” He looked at Dean, moving towards him as he added, “Here he is.”

Christian offered him the phone and Dean took it, amused as he put it to his year. “Yeah, Bobby?”

“You stay out of trouble an’ listen to that guy of yours, you hear me?” Bobby said gruffly. “Let him take care of you for a change, son. You need it.”

Dean smiled softly. “I will.”

“Good,” Bobby said, sounding pleased. “Talk to you soon, son.”

“In a day or two,” Dean agreed. “Take care.”

“Always,” Bobby agreed, and then the line went dead as he hung up.

Dean closed his phone and looked at Christian again, smiling when he saw Christian was kicking out of his jeans and long johns, leaving him naked except for a pair of socks and the bracelets he wore. Dean looked at Steve, who was down to his underwear and socks and was just standing there watching Christian with amusement.

Christian bent to pull off his socks and then looked up and saw them both watching him. He laughed and said, “Hell, don’t just stand there _starin’,_ get rid of them clothes an’ get your asses in bed. I was serious about you two warmin’ me up. I’m _froze_.”

Dean grinned and started to strip out of his boxers and socks as Steve snorted, amused. “If you’re so cold, why’d you get naked? Your long johns and a t-shirt would keep you warmer.”

“I’m gettin’ warm the old fashioned way,” Christian countered, moving to the closest bed to toss his duffle and Dean’s onto the other bed with Steve’s bag. “I’m plannin’ to get real close an’ personal to my two favorite guys.” Christian looked at Steve, adding, “And you’re _still_ wearin’ too many clothes.”

“I don’t see you telling Dean to strip,” Steve pointed out.

Christian smirked. “Dean heard me the first time, Stevie.”

Steve looked towards Dean then, blinking in surprise when he saw Dean was already naked. “You’re going to do what he says, just like that?”

“Always have,” Dean replied with a slight shrug, not even embarrassed about it.

It had bothered Dean to have someone see Christian ordering him around when they first got together, but he had grown used to it. Christian was very much a classic alpha male, so much so that even _John_ stepped carefully around him, and Dean had recognized that from the very beginning. After being in Christian’s bed for a few months, Dean had grown to count on the simple truth that he was the sub in their relationship in a lot of ways. He liked knowing that when he was with Christian he could just let go and do as he was told, trusting Christian to take care of him. It wasn’t something Dean had been able to count on with anyone but Bobby in a very long time, and he treasured it.

“After everything?” Steve asked, looking kind of concerned.

Dean blinked in surprise. “I fucked up royally, Steve, but Chris would never lie to me. If he says he understands and that he forgave me, he did.” Steve looked surprised and concerned still, and Dean didn’t really want to see it so he turned away to move towards the bed. “And even if he didn’t, I’d still do what he said. If he ever does decide I deserve a little punishment, I figure he’s got the right to take a chunk out of my hide anytime he wants to.”

“Not happenin’, babe,” Christian said firmly as Dean started to pull back the blankets on the bed. “You punished yourself more than enough.”

Dean looked at Christian, smiling softly. “I kinda knew you’d say that.”

“I don’t get it,” Steve said, and when Dean looked at him in surprise he saw Steve was frowning. “You haven’t seen him or even _talked_ to him in six months, Dean. How can you be so sure nothing changed?”

“A lot changed,” Dean corrected quietly, “but he’s still Chris, an’ I still love him more than anything. If he wants me to do something, I’m gonna do it.”

“Anything, Dean?” Steve asked quietly.

“Anything,” Dean repeated, meeting Steve’s gaze. “More than _life_ , Stevie. I didn’t leave him behind because I didn’t love him. I left because I love him too much to let him get himself killed because of me.”

Steve just looked into Dean’s eyes a moment and then said quietly, “And he wouldn’t have stayed if you just asked him to.”

“No, he wouldn’t,” Dean agreed. “He’s stubborn as hell, an’ he would have been in Arizona waitin’ for me if he knew where I was going, or at least at Bobby’s place.” He paused, not looking at Christian as he admitted, “For weeks after I got Bobby home, every car I heard comin’ up his driveway spooked me like hellhounds on my trail, scared shitless it was him comin’ after me even after all I said in that letter.”

“Why did the idea scare you?” Steve asked, obviously surprised.

Dean gave Steve a crooked little smile as he said softly, “Because I knew that if he did, I wouldn’t be able to make myself force him to leave.”

“Bobby was afraid you’d pull a page out of your dad’s book an’ just disappear if I showed up,” Christian said quietly, making Dean look at him in surprise. Christian looked a little sad as he added, “If that happened he thought you’d get yourself killed pretty quick, so he made me promise not to come lookin’ for you until you called me. He knew you were on the ragged edge an’ more than a little suicidal, an’ the idea of losin’ you for good was enough to get me to agree.”

“I probably _would_ have bolted as soon as I saw you,” Dean murmured, looking across the bed at Christian. “You were both right about that. I couldn’t have taken being near you then, not even for a few minutes. I knew I’d never be strong enough to walk away a second time.”

“Which is why I’m not gonna make you have to do that, baby,” Christian said, giving Dean a soft little smile. “I’ll stay a while, but when you have to go back to work, I’ll go home an’ wait for you or Bobby to let me know you’ve got a day or two off again.”

Dean smiled at Christian, murmuring, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Christian replied without any hesitation. “Now get in bed, it’s cold in here.”

Dean nodded and moved to climb into bed without another word, slipping between the cold sheets and then shivering slightly as he watched Christian.

“C’mon, Stevie,” Christian said gently, holding one hand out to Steve, who still hadn’t taken off his boxers. “It’s time for bed.”

Steve hesitated and then said quietly, “I still think I should at least sleep in the other bed.”

“I don’t want you to,” Christian murmured, letting his hand drop with a pained expression. “I want you holdin’ me tonight.”

Dean’s eyebrows went up at that but he didn’t say anything, wondering if Steve had finally talked Christian into the one thing that Dean and Christian had never done together. Christian was very much a top and didn’t even like being fingered, so Dean had never even tried to get Christian to let him top. He had teased him about it often, of course, but he never went past the teasing. Christian had issues with the whole idea, mostly because of an ex who had ambushed him one too many times with a finger shoved up his ass while she was blowing him, and Dean wasn’t about to ever push Christian into letting him try it. He hadn’t fucked a man in years anyway, and he knew that he could easily live without it.

Steve looked at Christian in silence for a long time while Christian just waited patiently for him, then Steve finally moved towards Christian as he said quietly, “If you insist.”

Christian turned away from Steve, his blue eyes hurt and sad as he climbed into bed with Dean. “Y’know what? Fine. Sleep where you want, Steve. I’m not gonna make you do a damn thing you don’t wanna do.”

Christian pulled the blankets and sheet up a little and then moved closer to Dean, obviously wanting held, and Dean didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Christian’s chilled body and pull him close. Christian hid his face against Dean’s neck, and Dean’s arms tightened around him a bit as he looked over Christian’s shoulder at Steve and said quietly, “I told you I won’t touch you, Steve. I don’t know what else you want me to do to make this easier for you.”

Steve stood close by the bed, looking at Dean and Christian for a long moment before he murmured, “Nothing’s gonna make it easier. I’ve been lying to myself, but I can’t anymore. It’s my problem, not yours.”

Christian rolled to his back to look at Steve, frowning and obviously upset. “What do you mean, lyin’ to yourself?” Steve looked away and then Christian added a bit sharply, “An’ don’t you fuckin’ dare just ignore that question, Steve. You _owe me_ an answer to that one.”

Steve flinched slightly, not looking at Christian or Dean as he said quietly, “I had convinced myself that you love me.”

Christian sat up, letting the blankets fall away as he blurted, “What the actual fuck is your _problem_?” Steve looked at him, his bright blue eyes showing plainly how hurt he felt, and then Christian added pointedly, “I _do_ love you, you fuckin’ _drama queen_. I wouldn’t have ever let you in my bed if I didn’t!”

Steve blinked, his obvious surprise quickly fading into confusion. “But you never say it, not to me.”

“I don’t tell you that you’re a natural at suckin’ my dick, either, but it’s still true,” Christian pointed out, still frowning. “How could you _not_ know I love you? I mean, _damn_. If you hadn’t tried so hard to act so fuckin’ _straight_ , I probably would’ve ended up in _your_ bed a year or more before I ever even _met_ Dean.” He flushed very red. “It damn near drove me crazy every time we ended up havin’ sex in the same room, wishin’ it was me makin’ you fall apart at the seams, but I tried hard as hell not to let myself even think about it. You knew I was bi and you made it real plain you wanted me to hook up with anyone who _wasn’t_ you, so I did what you wanted, you ass.”

“I knew that the day after I met you two,” Dean added softly, making Steve and Christian both stare at him in surprise. Dean met Steve’s gaze, adding, “That’s why I was so worried about you liking me, Stevie. I always knew he loved you first.”

Steve just stared at Dean for a moment before he looked back at Christian, asking hesitantly, “Not like a brother?”

“No, not like a brother,” Christian said firmly, rolling his eyes. “I wouldn’t fuck _my_ _brother_ , Steve. I tried not to want you, tried hard as hell, but when you _offered_ , didn’t you ever wonder why I didn’t hesitate?”

Steve stared into Christian’s eyes for a moment before he admitted very quietly, “I thought you were so fucked up then, you would have welcomed anyone who wanted to help you forget for a few minutes.”

Christian sighed, looking pained. “Well, that ain’t true, babe. Not even a little. If David or any of the other guys had followed me to bed that night an’ asked if it would help if I had some company, I would’ve told them to fuck off.”

“I almost talked myself out of it a hundred times before I walked through the door,” Steve murmured, still looking into Christian’s eyes.

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Christian said simply. “I needed you then, just like I still need you now. I’m _always_ gonna need you, Stevie.”

Steve just stood watching Christian for a moment longer and then he walked towards the bed, asking quietly, “How do you want to do this, Chris?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with,” Christian replied just as quietly. “I want you with me, Stevie, but I want you happy, too. If sleepin’ with me an’ Dean is gonna be so terrible, then take the other bed.”

Steve climbed into bed next to Christian, sitting next to him and just looking at Christian for a long moment before he murmured, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Christian said quickly. “As much my fault as yours. I should tell you how much I love you. I just kind of thought you knew.”

“Dean knows you love him,” Steve pointed out softly. “You still tell him.”

“That’s ‘cause he needs to hear it, Stevie,” Christian said quietly. “He doesn’t really believe he’s good enough for me to love him, he never has. I always hoped if I kept tellin’ him, someday he’d realize he’s just as amazing as I say he is.”

Dean looked away from them at that, listening as Steve whispered, “I need to hear it too, Chris.”

“You will, from now on,” Christian promised softly, and then Dean felt him shift on the bed just before Steve let out a tiny little almost pained noise.

Dean looked over at Christian and Steve, watching them kiss for a moment before he rolled away from them onto his side, reaching for the lamp on his side of the bed as he wondered why it was he always fell in love with people who already loved someone else. He knew Christian loved him, and he was _glad_ that Christian had Steve to keep him grounded and sane when Dean couldn’t be there for him, but it still made him wonder what it was about him that he always fell in love with men who were already in love with someone else.

Christian shifted again on the bed just after the lamp clicked off, murmuring, “How do you want to sleep, Stevie?”

“Spooning?” Steve half-asked softly. “Me behind you?”

“Works for me,” Christian agreed. “Get the light.” He shifted behind Dean again and then his arms were sliding around Dean to pull Dean back against his chilled chest as he kissed below Dean’s ear and then whispered almost soundlessly, “Love you, baby.”

The other lamp clicked off as Dean settled back against Christian’s chest, tangling his fingers with Christian’s against his belly as he smiled softly and whispered, “Love you too, Christy.”

The bed shifted again and then Dean felt Steve’s hand slide in between his back and Christian’s belly, and he knew Steve was settling in behind Christian like he had been told to. Dean felt Christian twist behind him, leaning away as Christian let go of Dean’s hand to reach back, then he heard Christian murmur, “I love you too, Stevie. Don’t ever doubt that again.”

“I won’t,” Steve promised quietly, and then Dean heard the soft sounds of kissing for a few moments before Steve added huskily, “I love you, babe.”

“I know you do,” Christian murmured, and then he was settling close to Dean’s back, his arm moving around Dean to tangle their fingers together again as he whispered, “Get some rest, baby. I know you need it.”

Dean smiled, snuggling back against Christian a bit more before he breathed out softly, “Night.”

“G’night babe,” Christian replied, kissing Dean’s shoulder again and then relaxing against him. “Night Stevie.” Dean heard the faint sound of a kiss but Steve didn’t say anything, and then the room fell silent other than the sounds of their breathing and the quiet hiss of sleet and snow still coming down hard outside.

Dean wanted to stay awake and just soak up the feeling of Christian’s arms so snug around him and Christian’s familiar muscular body behind him breathing soft and warm against the nape of his neck, but instead he drifted off to sleep within moments of closing his eyes.

 

~*~

 

Dean was cold when he woke up, even though Christian was still pressed close against his back, arms snug around Dean’s waist. The room was pitch black when he opened his eyes, and he laid there listening to the soft sounds of Christian and Steve breathing for a moment before he made out the low hiss of sleet or snow still rattling against the window. The room was so cold that Dean’s breath was fogging in front of his face, and it only took him a minute or so to realize the power must be out.

Dean had been laying there awake for only a few minutes when Steve muttered, “Why’s it so fuckin’ cold in here?”

Christian let out a low rumbly noise and asked huskily, “It’s cold?”

Steve snorted and Dean could feel the bed shift as Steve moved, grumbling, “ _You’re_ not cold, you’re in the middle.”

“Power’s out, I think,” Dean murmured softly, smiling as he patted Christian’s hand on his belly. “Lemme go, Christy. I’ll go get the blankets off the other bed.”

Christian kissed Dean’s shoulder and then let go of him, shifting to settle back against Steve a little more as he asked, “What time’s it?”

Dean tried not to let all the heat out from under their covers as he slithered out of bed, shuddering at the sudden freezing cold in the room. “Holy _fuck,_ it’s cold in here.” He reached down for his watch, pushing the button to light it up, then looked back at the bed in the dim light coming from the watch. “A little after five.” He started towards the other bed, pushing the button to turn his watch light on again so he could see. “Probably ice on the lines, the way it was sleeting last night.”

“Happens all the time here,” Christian agreed quietly.

“Figured,” Dean agreed, moving their bags into the floor just as the light from his watch died again. He was starting to shiver as he peeled back the edge of the blankets and sheet on the unoccupied bed by feel, but he tried not to let the cold bother him as he turned to toss them onto the bed Christian and Steve were still in. He pushed the button on his watch again and then quickly straightened out the blankets as best he could while he asked, “We gonna need more than this, you think? I got a couple blankets in the car. Nothin’ fancy, just old wool blankets, but they always keep me warm when I get stuck sleepin’ in the back seat.”

The light died again as Christian murmured, “What do you think, Stevie?”

“We ought to be fine with the three of us,” Steve replied quietly. “Get back in bed, Dean. You’re shaking.”

“Yeah, babe, c’mon,” Christian agreed softly. “We’ll be alright.”

“Okay,” Dean agreed, trying not to let the way he was shivering affect his speech. He moved back around the bed, lifting the covers next to Christian as he muttered, “Sorry, Christy.”

“What for?” Christian asked, sounding surprised.

“This,” Dean replied, sliding into bed and rolling over against Christian, who was _much_ warmer than he was.

“Holy shit!” Christian gasped, laughing just a bit. “Oh, that’s _cold_!”

Dean snickered, kissing Christian’s shoulder. “I know, I promise.”

Christian poked him in the ribs, shuddering a little and half laughing as he said, “You fucker.”

“Nope,” Dean disagreed as he settled a little more comfortably against Christian’s side, amused at the way Christian almost levitated to get away from the cold hand he tucked under Christian’s back. “Fuckee, babe. You oughta remember that.” He tangled his legs with Christian’s, pretending he didn’t notice that Steve’s leg was there too.

Christian snorted, shifting to put his arm around Dean as he muttered, “I do. I’d be warmin’ you up in self defense right now, but I think we might traumatize Stevie.”

“Wouldn’t wanna do that,” Dean agreed softly, kind of glad it was so dark he couldn’t see Steve’s face. Steve was being very quiet, but he had pulled back enough that his leg wasn’t touching Dean anymore, and Dean was sure that Christian was even more aware of it than he was. “Blankets’ll do the trick, given time.”

“Oughta, yeah,” Christian agreed, and then Dean felt Christian’s lips against his forehead in a soft kiss. “Try to go back to sleep.”

“Not gonna be easy, as wide awake as I am now,” Dean admitted quietly, brushing another soundless kiss against Christian’s shoulder.

Christian nuzzled his hair, murmuring very softly, “Think it’ll help if I sing, baby?”

Dean closed his eyes, just breathing for a few moments before he admitted very softly, “Probably, but I don’t wanna bother Stevie.”

Christian’s lips left Dean’s forehead as Christian turned his head toward Steve, and Dean wondered if Christian could actually see in the darkness as Christian asked quietly, “Me singin’ gonna bother you, Stevie?”

Steve didn’t answer immediately, and Dean was starting to think that Steve was really upset when Steve finally said quietly, “No.”

“How come I don’t believe you?” Christian asked softly, sounding a little unhappy.

“’Cause he lied,” Dean murmured. “Just forget it, I’m fine.”

“Talk to me, Stevie,” Christian murmured, still sounding unhappy.

“It’s fine,” Steve said quietly, sounding like he either didn’t care, or was fighting very hard not to let it show how upset he was.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out which one it was, and Dean started to pull away from Christian as he said quietly, “I’m sorry, Steve.”

“Come back here, babe,” Christian said just a bit sharply, tightening his arm around Dean to keep him from moving away. Dean felt the bed shift and then Christian growled, “Alright, now fuck this shit. It’s too cold an’ too goddamn early in the mornin’ for you two to be actin’ stupid. If you don’t _both_ get right back where you were, I’m gonna have to hurt somebody.”

Dean hesitated only a moment before he did as he was told, murmuring, “Sorry.”

“Stop your fuckin’ apologizin’,” Christian growled. “You haven’t done _anything_ wrong, Dean.” Dean felt Christian move slightly and then Christian added, “Well, Stevie? Get back over here.”

“I should go,” Steve said instead. “Meet you two at Uncle Charlie’s later.”

“Dammit, Steve,” Christian said quietly. “Don’t do this to me, please.”

Steve was silent for a few moments and then murmured, “I can’t, Chris. Knowing I have to share you is one thing, but this…” He trailed off and was silent for a few moments before he said simply, “I feel like a third wheel.”

“Only ‘cause you want to,” Christian pointed out, sounding pained. “I want you here, an’ I know Dean does too.”

Steve let out a little strangled laugh. “Dean would say anything he thought you wanted to hear, Chris. He doesn’t want to share a bed with me.”

“Shows what you know,” Dean said quietly. “I’m not gonna fuck you, Steve, but that doesn’t mean I’m afraid to get near you. I just made Chris a promise a long time ago, an’ I’m keepin’ it.”

“What did you promise him?” Steve asked, sounding a little surprised.

“That he was it for me,” Dean said simply. “I gave him my word that there wouldn’t be any other men way back in the beginning, and there hasn’t been.” That wasn’t completely true, but it was all Steve needed to know. Christian had insisted that Dean had a Puck exception from the beginning, and when Christian had figured out Dean was in love with Sam he had added Sam to that, but Dean didn’t intend to touch either of them in the unlikely event he saw them again. “It’s staying that way, but it’s _not_ anything personal against you, Stevie.”

“I told you I don’t expect you to keep that promise anymore,” Christian said quietly. “I haven’t been keepin’ mine since you left me.”

“I know,” Dean replied simply, pressing his lips to Christian’s shoulder. “Steve loves you and he’s one of the very few men I trust enough to share a bed with him, but I’m not havin’ sex with any man that ain’t you, Christy. That doesn’t have a damn thing to do with who you sleep with. It’s about me.”

“Does it bother you that he’s fucking me?” Steve asked softly, and Dean could feel the bed shift as Steve moved, but he couldn’t tell whether he was moving closer or away. “The truth, Dean.”

“I always knew he loved you,” Dean pointed out quietly, looking towards the sound of Steve’s voice even though he couldn’t really make out anything in the pitch black of the room. There wasn’t any light at all coming in the windows, not even a little moonlight, and with the power off it was dark as the inside of a tomb. “I _prayed_ you would take care of him for me, Stevie, give him what he needed to go on without me there. How could I ever be upset that you did?”

Steve was silent a moment and then the bed shifted again and Dean felt Steve’s hand brush against his where it rested on Christian’s belly, then Steve covered Dean’s hand with his, giving it a squeeze. “You’re sure?”

“True as toasted toads,” Dean replied, smiling crookedly as he caught a glimmer from what he thought was probably Steve’s eyes, even though he doubted Steve could see him. “I love him, but I’m not the jealous type. I never loved anyone who didn’t love somebody else before I even met them. I’m used to sharing.”

“Dean,” Christian said softly, sounding pained. “Baby, I—”

“Shh,” Dean interrupted quietly. “Don’t say it. It’s okay. I made my peace with it a long time ago.”

“How could you?” Steve asked quietly, still holding Dean’s hand. “You were surprised by it last night, I know.”

“Surprised _you_ decided you’re bi, yeah, but not that _he_ loves you, Stevie,” Dean pointed out, amused. “I _counted on_ how much he loves you when I had to leave, and I was sure you loved him too much to let anything happen to him. That you ended up sharin’ his bed too was a surprise, but only because I figured it would have happened years ago if it was going to, as many times as you two had sex in the same room.”

Steve was silent for a moment and then murmured, “I always loved watching him with a girl.” He paused slightly. “Or with you.”

“I noticed,” Dean murmured quietly. “I didn’t mind.”

“ _I_ never noticed,” Christian said, sounding a little surprised. “When did you realize you wanted me, Stevie?”

“Before I moved in with you,” Steve admitted, his thumb rubbing slowly along Dean’s hand. “I liked what we had too much to risk fucking it up, though. There’s nobody more important to me than you, Chris, and I didn’t want to lose you.”

“Did you always know you were bi?” Christian asked softly.

“I’m not, babe,” Steve murmured, and then Dean heard the soft sound of a kiss before Steve added, “It’s always been just you.”

Dean smiled softly, barely aware he was speaking aloud as he said quietly, “I’ve heard that before.”

“From who?” Steve asked, sounding surprised.

“Puck,” Dean replied. “He was all about Kurt until Kurt got him to really think about how he felt about me. Puck still hadn’t ever touched another guy last I talked to them, an’ I doubt he ever will. Kurt’s his world.”

“How did Kurt feel about sharing him with you?” Steve asked softly.

“Kurt didn’t mind, as long as he got to be there and watch when he wanted to,” Dean said. “Most of the time, he did a lot more.” He paused and then admitted, “They liked fucking me together, after the night when we took Kurt’s virginity.”

“We?” Steve asked.

“Yeah,” Dean replied, “Puck and Kurt were kind of scared that their first time together would be too much for them, so they wanted me there to make sure nothing went wrong.” He paused and then added, “Kurt sucked me off that night while Puck was fucking me, and then I held Kurt while Puck rimmed him. I was the one who taught Puck all he knew about fucking a guy, so I might as well have been the one fucking Kurt that first time. Kurt didn’t fuck me until the next night, but that wasn’t the last time.”

“Did you ever top with him?” Steve asked quietly.

“No,” Dean said simply. “I’m the only person besides Puck he’s ever had sex with, but I never fucked him. He wasn’t mine, and I wasn’t going there.”

Christian surprised Dean by asking, “Did he want you to?”

“If he did, he never said it,” Dean answered softly. “It wasn’t like I was fucking Puck either, though. I only fucked Puck once that first time we were together, when we still thought I was just helping him find out what it was like to have sex with a guy. After that, it was all them.” He smiled, remembering hours spent under the stars with them. “I wanted it that way, and they knew it.”

“I still think you should at least let them know you’re alive,” Christian said quietly, running his fingers through Dean’s hair. “They still love you.”

“Even if they do, they’re still better off thinking I’m dead,” Dean disagreed, then added softly, “And I really don’t want to argue about it again.”

Christian sighed. “Alright. I’ve seen your pictures, though, so I know how they looked at you. They loved you.”

“Probably,” Dean admitted softly. “But I’m right too. I know them, and they needed to move on. I can’t be what they needed me to be.”

“Were you suicidal after you left them?” Steve murmured, his thumb still stroking slowly over Dean’s hand.

“I was hurting, but no,” Dean replied, “not suicidal. I always knew I couldn’t keep them.”

“You planned to stay with Chris though, didn’t you?” Steve asked, sounding just a little surprised. “You really intended to give up hunting.”

Dean took a slow shaky breath and then whispered, “I would have given up the world for him. It was all I ever wanted, once I met him.”

Steve’s grip tightened on Dean’s hand as Dean felt Christian’s lips against his forehead, then Christian whispered against his skin, “It was all I wanted too, baby.”

Dean shifted, kissing Christian’s shoulder softly before he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Christian murmured, his arm tightening around Dean’s back. “We both know life’s a bitch.”

“And then you die,” Dean agreed very quietly. “Only you’re not allowed to die, Christy. Not ever.”

“Neither are you, babe,” Christian pointed out, lips brushing Dean’s forehead with every word. “I want your word you’ll always come back to me, or at least let me come to you. No more of this waitin’ for the nasties to kill you shit, okay?”

“I promise,” Dean replied, closing his eyes as he took a slow shaky breath.

“Thank you,” Christian whispered, and Dean could feel him relax as some of the tension left his body.

Steve gave Dean’s hand a squeeze then and murmured, “There’s always a home waiting for you with us, Dean. Even if you can’t stay long, we want you there. A day or a week, or even a year. Whatever you’ve got to give.”

“I’ll remember,” Dean promised, smiling in the darkness even though they couldn’t see him.

“You better,” Christian agreed, sounding pleased, then he kissed Dean’s forehead and murmured, “Now go back to sleep. I’m warm and comfortable and I ain’t walkin’ to Uncle Charlie’s in the dark when it’s so fuckin’ cold out.” Dean felt Christian turn towards Steve and then heard the soft sound of a kiss before Christian added, “You too, Stevie.”

“Sleep sounds good,” Steve agreed softly, still holding Dean’s hand as the bed shifted a little, and then Dean felt Steve’s leg settle comfortably against his again, tangled with Christian’s legs.

Dean took a slow deep breath, closing his eyes again and smiling as he relaxed, feeling completely safe and loved for the first time in months as he listened to Christian and Steve breathe and waited for the slow steady thump of Christian’s heartbeat to lull him back to sleep.

 

 

~ End


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